The day the world within me crumbled

I still remember the day which Carol told me she broke down in school, i was thinking to myself that I haven't broken down for long time.. dunno if it was something good or bad... good bcos i might have grown stronger, bad bcos I haven't been letting it out...

So anyway, I was out with Ben on Sat cos we had to attend a school function which most ppl can't make it or found it too expensive to attend... so i smsed YB to let him know that Ben and I would be available for coffee if he was around... guess what he replied.. he said he will try and asked me to make my sat free to meet the guys for dinner... prob it's bcos i'm already too tensed up, i felt a bit offended by it... he didn't check if i was free on that day, he just said to meet on sat, assuming that I was free. Then when i told him i'm already occupied, he said " what liao, then how?" i felt if it was my birthday, ask me if i had any preference or if i was free? dun ask me to solve your problem... he said he'll call me on sun to check with me when i am free.. no sound no picture which simply translates to no sincerity... honestly, why do i feel like i'm being taken granted for?

anyway, we had a great time at the school alumni dinner... it brought back a lot of good memories about school... abt the pure friendships then...of cos, told ben about the difficulties with school, with career and with money that i am having right now... here's a pic i took with my fav teacher, Miss Lee at the school dinner

She has aged a lot and would be requesting for an early retirement...

so sunday, i went out to bugis and wanted to grab some stuff... guess who I met? Alfred... the bane of my life... for ppl who dun know him, he's somebody i knew since I was 19 and claimed that he has feelings for me and courted me for a short period before i got attached..and gradually we lost contact... however, each time we bumped into each other, it would be the most unlucky period of my life... be it whether i was having a rocky relationship, or nursing a breakup or now having career crisis, he appeared... gosh... and guess what, he tried to check out if i was attached again and this morning at 5am, he smsed me to tell me that he's sick and wished me good morning... i think he's mad....

i spent some time at starbucks on sun evening.. and had a short chat with nitin... although he broke my heart the other time, it still felt good talking to him... so good that i ended up crying in starbucks... cos i told him i didn't have anymore strength left to carry on this race... cos all the odds are against me and although i may seem to be cheerful and happy in front of my friends and family, i'm putting on a strong front, deep down, i'm afraid of failure and the consequences of failure, so much so that i could almost just crumble when the wind blows at me... but he believed in me, he felt that i had the strength to carry on till i cross the finishing line... i know most of my friends believe that i can.. but they have never put it so bluntly and so sincerely to me... maybe the breakdown in starbucks made things easier for me, maybe crying outside at the balcony made me feel that i'm human... whatever it is, it was just an outlet for me.... maybe this is the good thing about nitin... he makes me cry bcos of him...