sigh........

I had a very serious talk with Gary last night... I wouldn't be able to see my best boyfriend off cos it's a working day and I have datelines to meet that day. We talked for almost four whole hours.. right into the wee hours of the night... gosh, I could never ever have somebody who could understand me so well... we talked about how he was gonna be coping when he goes over and I was telling him how I was gonna cope when he's not around to stand up for me... gary, I'm sorry to have made you worry for me.. ever since the break up, you have been there for me 24/7.. without fail, everytime I needed you, you will take the time to talk or meet up even if it is late in the night... you know very well that I've not recovered.. u knew very well that i have got nightmares and scares from all those past... u know that they haunt me every night and thus waking up in distress every night... u knew how much i loved the new guy in my life now... u told me that i deserve a better guy but i told u i would rather have you than a better guy.. a best buddy is what i've always been looking for... and yet when i have it, you are going away... i wish i could tell u not to leave.. but i know very well that Mabel is hoping to go over and start life again...

I know you dun wish to go cos you couldn't bear to leave your elderly parents over here with your sister esp when she already has her own family.. also because you felt you have done lots of things to make them worry about you and you wish to let them know you are able to achieve much more over there... gary, this isn't the first time you went overseas and you know very well that i would always go visit them when i have the time.. auntie would always call me when uncle needs to go for a doctor's appointment for his heart... i'll be there to look after them... afterall, it's not that far away from my place... your parents have treated me very well when we were together... even as now we are not an item anymore, they still took me as part of the family and loved me the way they loved your sister... i'm grateful to that and i'll always be there for them when they need somebody to listen to them talk or just accompany them to the hospital for check ups...

take care of yourself over there i said to u.. and all you could tell me after a long silence was that you wish you didn't have to go over cos you couldn't bear to leave things here... come on, my darling gary... it's not as if you are not coming back.. it's just gonna be a year plus or two of working over there... you promised me to send an email once a month.. at least let me know what is happening over there... also promised you that once i get enough money, i'll go over and visit you.. :o) i'll miss you.. and i'll make sure i'll find a bf who can understand my relationship with you and wouldn't mind... no more like that jerk... the one who acts like a kid and refuses to assume responsibility...i believe the new one will be one who is able to love me as who I am and not stop me from chasing my dream.... you've always not want to meet my friends, never even met my ex and you have always given me this theory, friends of mine who are worthy of me are not many so dun need to meet them... dun want to waste your time.... funny theory but it works everytime you wish to squirm out of meeting my friends... for the record, you haven't met any of my friends and lots of times we nearly bumped into my friends and you managed to walk away..

oh well.. you wouldn't be gone too long i keep telling myself... i can live without anybody, anything but just without you and the kids... come back soon and come back safe...