It had been an uneventful sat night... went out with my sister in law this afternoon for a baby masterclass... did some window shopping... got some stuff for house... had dinner and the guys asked me out for a drink... to celebrate my homecoming they say.... crappy... so those guys met at about 9ish... and close to 1130pm, all decided to go off, citing expensive cab fare... crap... on a day where I'm feeling blah!! alrighty, so I stayed for another 2 rounds on some guy's tab whom apparently I met before at the same place... but oopsie.. I dun remember.... sorry....
i slowly make my way home, taking in all the buzz that's happening around me... feeling surreal that i'm back in singapore... just last week, i was in india.. just start of the week, i was getting high on my JDs with the hp guys.... and on mon, i would be starting work... my first real job after school in events... i managed a small grin... things are happening too fast, world is getting too small...
i got home, sat on the couch in my messy room, feeling each breath that i take... it's one of those nights again... i managed to speak to shirlyn for 4 mins before she decides she has too much on her hand at the moment to speak to me... i mope around the house... wondering if i should call him, but i know he's out partying and besides, i wanna cut my costs so that i could save up for my yr end travel.. be it to visit him or cubie.. i need cash desperately...
finally i make the call to gary... he's called me a couple of times since yesterday... to request for an update for my india trip... i dunno what to say to him... he asks firstly if i am gonna blog about my trip to india.. i say i'm not sure, cos to me, a lot of the experiences is very personal.. other than the touristy places that i've been to, the rest is really mingling with ppl and i really dunno how to blog about it... then he asks about him... yes, i know what he wanted to know... like a concerned brother, he is anxious... i'm not sure if i'm intoxicated or i'm tired of telling the story... i told him a shorter version of it... missed out on a lot of impt details and stuff... in the end, i got scolded...reasons?
1. starting something so long distanced with no end and giving myself endless waiting
2. for not remembering the hard lesson I had with my last
3. for not remembering the scars on myself
4. for trusting people easily again
on hindsight, i should have explained the whole matter to him... now plonked on the same couch in the room, i start to wonder if i could have handled it better... i knew he is *and still is* the most concerned person around me since i reached 18 of age... a lot of ppl do not understand our relationship, i'm not even sure if the current guy can appreciate it... prob gary will read this entry and go, "hmph, fat hope for me to care about you again!" but i know he doesn't mean it...
till now i dunno how to blog about it.. the change in my status, why i decided to give this guy a shot, no matter how far... friends keep telling me he's a good catch and no matter how hard it is, hang onto him cos he's cute looking... i think they are missing the point... i give up... but i really wish to share the joy with my friends about finding this rare gem... prob i have problems communicating myself...
so gary, i know what you are worried about... i am too... i'm not sure if this will work out in the end and i do know i do not have another six yrs to spend on somebody who is not worthy of my love but like what he tells me, "baggage is all in the mind, six yrs is enough" he knows what i had gone through, well, most of it and he is prepared to take it slow... i trust him not becos i'm naive but he has proven in some tiny way that he can be trusted although there is still room for improvement... prob we shouldn't have done that cos i know in sometime of my life, i will regret.. but i tell you, i'll be fine... give this guy some room to prove himself... i'm confident at this point in time, he will emerge winner... talk soon, darling...
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