loneliness...

first time in my life i felt lonely... not the normal kind of loneliness but the kind that creeps up to you when you feel so alone in the things that you are working on..this is what happened...

took some time off work yesterday to pack things up for the coming event and also for VJC kids... before i got off, work was mad and my PC conked off.. those who know me would know that my computer usage is such that I conk out at least one PC every half a yr... work was critical and XXX was simply nagging at the fact that data was not clean in the system and lots need to be done to get it cleared up... i know and i understand... but hey, i'm a human too... there's only me and me alone so i need time to complete the work and i need to breathe too... it has been that way for the past month or at least the past two weeks... work needs to be done at that immediate split second and it must be correct... everything is urgent and everybody needs immediate attention.... sometimes when i work late into the night, cleaning up the data and all, i feel so alone... why am i the only one doing all these while my boss gets to spend time with her kids and all but i'm here slogging away and all she does is to tell the bosses that she did all the work and gain all the credit from the management while i'm not even recognised at all? all of a sudden, the whole world seems to collapse around me and i'm working my butts here, trying to survive...

i finally got to the store and the moment i stepped in and wanted to switch on the lights for the room.. the silly me got weird stares from the other occupants of the office cos it appears to them that i was playing with the lights and irritating them... talk about neighbours... opened the door to the store and a heatwave hit me... while the outside of the room was cool with aircon, it was stiffling in the room... no aircon... the place is in a mess cos i was packing the xmas cards with joslin the other day... the boxes from the last event were still there... i never knew where to start from... we'll got lots of stuff that we could not trash... lots of things i wanna trash but i'm not sure if we still need them... anyway, i started packing... didn't know what to pass to VJC to sell... not sure if it was too much or too little... XXX asked when she can pick things up.. told her that she can come anytime and i can help her carry things to her car... in the end, she said if i'm already packing things, would it be better for XXX to come pick it up? up to you... i couldn't quite be bothered... packing was so tough with everything in a mess and when we packed, everybody just threw anything into the boxes without looking at what they contain... hassle and irritated... maybe it was one of those down periods.. i sat on top of one of the containers and holding my cup, looking at the mess... feeling very numb and asking myself why am i here in the first place? thinking about all the work that i need to put in to get all these things right, i sat on top of the container and broke down... for the first time in many months, i broke down due to stress... at that point in time, i felt so lonely, so tired and so aimless.... i just wanna give up everything that i'm doing and go hide in some small little hole... cos i didn't believe in CWS anymore, i didn't believe that whatever i'm doing helps the strays...i didn't believe that working hard would reap rewards, didn't believe in waiting for the love of my life.. i just simply dun believe in anything anymore.. i felt so alone for the first time in my entire life cos nobody seemed to know that i'm feeling terrible and everybody seems to think that i can do everything....