I tried to help you to find something that helps...though not a lot but it eases the burden a bit... but why do I feel as if this is not something you were looking for and it's as if I forced it down your throat? Why do I heard grumblings more than sighs of relieve? Was I wrong?
Now that we started on it together, why do I find it hard to tell you that during the past 1 month I have felt enmity from some of them and I push you away from me because I didnt want you to have the same fate as me? Why is it hard for me to explain to you that you and I have a difference and the difference separates us in the eyes of others and it impacts how others see you as well? Some things which I have overheard in the washroom, corridors and all, how should I share it with you to explain why I am so indifferent at work?
I wish you would just understand and yet dun change our relationship... while I try to be nice and non political, I have learnt the hard way to play this game... if you choose to be nice, you only stand to lose this game and lose it badly... survival of the fittest, I have learnt it well... keep myself away from prying eyes and only in those who will pull you in times of danger... only then I can safeguard myself.... there are times, I hate myself for putting on a mask but this is the way I survive through the jungle where everyone is ready to bite and swallow you whole in my previous industry...
I wish somebody else was here to share this burden with me.... it is only such times that I think of him... I'm sure he will teach me how to handle such fragile relationships and yet grow from it... without him, i just got to learn how to protect myself by myself...
A lot of times I felt I could handle disappointment well enough...I could see on the bright side of life.. laugh off whatever that has happened and move on with life...but this time is different I guess... it bugged me for a couple of days.. left me unable to work and cant help feeling frustrated... the thing is, in this incident, I learnt not to be so nice anymore... not to be a doormat for people to step on... here's what happened...
a long time school friend asked if I could do a company's logo for his friend... being a newbie at using photoshop, i told him that i'm pretty new at it and might not do a good job.. but he said he didnt mind, after all there is money to be earned.. so why not? so i said alright... and he gave me some vague guidelines with nothing concrete... and he needed in 1 days' time... and he needed 4 logos.... so i dropped everything which i should be doing for my own work to work on his little project as it takes time to create logos and even more so for a newbie like me... so after working through the night, i sent it off in the morning... meeting his deadline...
his comments came back a few days later saying that he liked 1 of the design and wanted me to do more variations for it... and when we met at night, he told me the 7 variations and he wanted it the next morning... i spent another sleepless night at it and sent it off again...
his comments came back a few days later again... and this time he was saying that it was quite ugly... i couldnt believe my eyes when i saw that msg... i sent off my design to a couple of my friends whose comments were like, " it looks good to me." I was not told why was it ugly and no further explanation was given... however, he did tell me that his friend would still pay me for the work done... so i said ok... if he is willing to pay despite not liking it, i was not gonna reject it... so he told me he could pass me the money within the week...
the week came and went... no sign of money... the next week, i asked again over messenger on mon and he suddenly said he wanted the high res file of the logo which he never wanted... something new for me... so for his demands, i had to do that for him and send it to him within the hr as per his request... and then he said he wanted more changes... and he said, " i am not happy with it, of cos I make changes right? It's such a simple thing!" I was upset and frustrated... because of his nonsense, i had to drop everything else to work on his stuff again... and it ruined my monday morning... we met that night... and his first question to me was, " why was the 2nd batch so ugly ah?" I thought it was plain rude and insensitive of him. Maybe being classmates for over 10 yrs, he didnt need to care about my feelings. I asked him what exactly was ugly, he gave me something vague and said something like, its ok, my friend got somebody else to do already.. but what was unsatisfying was that he could not even tell me what was the difference between what he visioned and what I did... so the meeting ended with him telling me that he would transfer the money to me on wed...and i told him why dun u just give your friend my account number so that he can transfer directly into it? he said ok and left...
wed came and 3 sms later, all he could tell me was he is still outside and he will transfer on thurs... i lost it... not only did i not get the money, the promise he made to me to transfer money on wed was broken... and he did not even have the cheek to inform me until i asked... thurs went as well... by then, i told myself, the $100 bucks was a small amount of money to learn my lesson... I was utterly disappointed with this friend who had broken the trust in me and still didnt think it was an issue... fri came... and i thought, well, let's try again.. maybe he was busy... and his excuse was his friend just transferred money to him... and he will transfer to me that night... and as I type, it is already sun.... i sent him an sms to ask about it... no reply...
i dunno what was went wrong... i felt, if your friend has yet to transfer you the cash, tell me upfront... dun make promises that you cannot fulfil... even if you promised and you cant fulfil, tell me what went wrong... i just felt it was not fair... the moment he set a deadline for the things he needs, i fulfil them.. and if i dun think I can make it on time, i try to ask for a longer more realistic deadline... but i still deliver earlier than my promised deadline... at least i expected the same from him... and not disappear like that...
honestly, this is not the first time he has done such a thing.. last time, i used to just accept it as part of his character... but now, I wonder if he just dun treasure this friend that's why he treats me like trash... maybe i am trash to him.. for somebody who does not even have proper career, who does not earn as much as he does... i could jolly well be trash to him... but to me, he was a dear friend whom i have know since i was 13... and such friendships dun come easy... but i guess now its the time to let it go cos i dun want to be treated like trash...but before i trash you, pay me back my money!!!!
My first laptop crashed not long ago... though revived, it needs a while before it can be powered up... though that experience, I knew how dependent I was on my laptop... not for facebook and all but should I need it for just email or checking of a particular telephone no, I cant... I seriously wondered how did I survived before I got such technology. So now, I wanted to live with my loyal, badly tortured laptop till I get enough money to buy another decent one which can survive my torturous ways. In case you need to know how I torture my appliances, you are always welcome to ask my good friend, Cubix who will tell you in detail about it. * huge grin* So Cubix, who really couldnt take all the suffering that my poor laptop has gone through, decided, one fine day she was gonna get me a new laptop... on a loan basis.
So, after tons of persuasion, she literally, forced a laptop down my throat. Coupled with her ever-nice hubby, we went down to Sim Lim Square to look for my next possible victim. Once the poor victim was found, she paid and nagged at me to go get a nice looking dress for the victim... however, due to the poor workmanship, the dress was poorly done.. but oh well, it has to do till I have money for the next dress...
So yes, as I am blogging this, my new victim is starting up and loading all my needed applications and probably hearing the sad story of its predecessor... but my first victim will still be tortured by me on a regular basis as it will be good for me to do simple things on... hehehe... it doesnt really quite end there ya.. but still I am grateful to Cubix for parting with her hard earned money to let me have this luxury item * yes, it is a necessity to you*
Talking about friends, I ever wondered how it is like to progress from a friend to a couple status... cubix and her hubby were classmates before they got together... sad to say, my love stories have never really happened that way. My ex- other halves were usually people whom I didnt have a chance to know much about before we started... maybe that's why I didnt have all that awkwardness... imagine holding a friend whom you have been so comfortable with.. how weird would that be? If things do not even turn out fine, you lose that friendship too... especially for me whom I treasure friendship a whole lot, that can be quite disturbing...
I've been recently watching this korean reality show called "we got married". In this show, this couple, Jo Kwon and Ga In are singers in their real life. They lead a 2nd life as a married couple on the show. As the show progresses, they find out much more about each other and through their individual interviews, you see a bit of care and concern for each other in them. I wonder if maybe this is what I am looking for.. the type of exploration period between a couple. You know much more about each other everyday.. compared to a friend whom you know well enough, it's different... I guess for me, it's hard to make a friend whom I am close to into my other half...
I've been meaning to write this post on friends for the longest time.... i wondered how to put it across so that it doesn't sound mean or rude.. but oh, what the heck...
Friends come and go in my life... I've been hurt very badly by a lot of them as well.... I guess the worst one was the ones whom I knew from Starbucks when I broke up with my ex... well, to cut the story short, I was cheated of almost $10k... *heart pain!!* which is why i am very cautious when it comes to making friends... however, as most ppl would say about me.. i'm somebody who does not learn her lesson... *nods head in agreement* I still give all my best in friendship and still wonder if i will get hurt by friends around me... I do that kind of thoughts once in a while.. always wondering if I put in 100% at this, would I end up getting myself full of bleeding cuts and bruises? I guess I can feel the hurt very vividly in my tiny little heart... even if as much as I wish to give everyone all.. currently, i can say i'm fortunate to have friends around me... ppl like cubix, mayling, joslin, sharon, poovan and a whole bunch of other ppl who does come and go but everytime we meet, we are still the same old ppl... maybe out of this bunch, one or two of them might cause me hurt but sometimes, maybe it is the journey that matters...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Some of my friends might have noticed the bucket list on my msn handle... some of them have never heard of the bucket list.. i never did either until i saw this movie where 2 patients whom are both dying ended up sharing a ward and started talking about a bucket list... to define a bucket list it is the list of things you want to do before you kick the bucket aka die... here's a couple of videos about the bucket list
This is from one of the guys I know who set out to fulfil his bucket list
I attended a short seminar on bucket list on Sat night and yes, it was a mind blowing experience... and thanks to this seminar, i had my own bucket list which I set to fulfil and the group of the ppl who attended this seminar are going bungee jumping at Macau on 1 Nov as they all have bungee jumping on their bucket list... for me, I might go and give my support... and sheesh, the height freaks me out... no thank you...
So what is on my bucket list? Lots... at first I thought it was just career stuff that I wanted to fulfil but as the seminar went on, more and more of me were dug out and yes, even the part which I truly do not wish to face appeared on my bucket list as well... I knew I had to get it done bcos I had even dreamt about it and woke up crying... so I knew this would be the first one I needed to do... so I picked up my mobile and smsed my ex bf... after which, everyone came round and gave me a good hug... and yes, I cried... it's been such a while since I unlocked everything in me and cried...
So we set off as a bunch of better and stronger persons to fulfil our bucket list... be it hard or easy.. all it takes is just a little step and hey, u are a step closer to your dreams...only if you dare to dream of it... all of us went to marina barrage to fly kites at midnight after the seminar in order to help one person fulfil his bucket list... and yes, the feeling is great!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ You, were something i chose to lock it deep inside me... didn't want to say anything else except at times I would write to you on my blog... bcos i felt if someday you would remember me, u would at least knew how i felt during your absence... the truth is, although, you are not around physically, u were always there in my heart... be it when i was working in little india for that short period or the place we had drinks in the hotel or even something happy i wanted to share with someone, you were always there... u never left... maybe i am silly.. the same silly girl who was screaming when she first saw cows and our porky pigs and not forgetting the bunch of puppies who i had carried despite their dirt and all...
During this one yr, I woke up numerous times in the middle of the night wondering if i should die the next day and i hadn't told you what i wanted to tell you, would anybody be able to reach you and tell you how i felt? would anybody even know how much you mean to me? Maybe this is what we call fate... for some weird reason, despite all that has happened, even if i didn't wish to speak to that lady again, i couldn't say no to you. you still mean the world to me. which is why i am grateful for your responses that night and this time, i trust that they come from the real you that i have believed you are all this while... i dunno what will happen to us after this, i dun wish to assume or jump to conclusions... i know you will speak when you are ready, like you always do after our huge fights... and you know i am still here.
I met a friend for a simple dinner this evening... had simple food, did simple things like shopping and just checking things out.. and even hanging around pasar malams... while we usually hang out in a big bunch, this time it is just me and him.. and i told him specifically not to tell the rest... he asked why would i want to make it so secretive... i told him i just wanted to have a peaceful dinner...
of cos, that kind of answer just got more probing... recently, we had a conversation about why i wanted to leave my old company when i am not even a yr there... and of cos, everybody was against the idea and then examples of some successful ppl in the same industry were brought up and about how they plan for their career and how much money they were getting... blah blah blah...yeah, ppl plan their lives, use strategies to get to another stage of their lives and they know wat they are doing... in comparison, i dun seem to know what i am doing... so the conversation went onto how i didn't know what kind of environment it is now and blah blah blah.... during that whole conversation, i was just not bothered to share my plans with them cos i knew they wouldn't be bothered to listen, maybe what they really wanna hear is something else... after the whole conversation was over, i kinda realised that maybe friends do become expired friends... being in a different environment really sets ppl apart... maybe their concerns are different from mine... in events, it's truly your experience that counts, not some master degree... unless u're in govt agencies that is... rather than using the time to study, i would rather use them to create better events.. and such things do not require a master degree... some professions will require u to while others dun... i dunno, after that conversation, i felt as if i was compared to somebody else and not seen as an individual... i felt as if even if i sincerely said i wanted to meet them after i finish the job, they didn't believe... what else is there for me to say?
which is why i decided not to call the rest and just meet this friend of mine alone... with him, i know i wouldn't be subjected to such things... i can just be myself... all i need is just some understanding, is that difficult?
I first heard this phrase from a close friend.. i remembered me asking her what is the definition of expired friends... she told me it's basically ppl whom u dun talk to anymore cos u realise there aren't many or no common topics to talk about anymore... i guess it is a common thing until it strike myself...
The same friend had asked me to join her colleagues for a board game session one night.. we had met the previous night for dinner to celebrate the nov babies' birthday... but what was different was that i didn't have the familiar ex colleagues around.. only her and another friend and their 4 other colleagues... i declined, knowing full well i will be left out... and with a briefing session that was going on on the same day, all i wanted was just to chill at some watering hole... so that day, my work ended at close to 730pm and i did end up meeting another friend to have a couple of drinks....
Some time later after this incident, one of them asked me if i had declined the invitation simply bcos i felt left out... i guess so... i could no longer appreciate systems and all that... so if they are gonna start talking about things that happen at work, i guess i would be bored... and also similarly for them, if they keep hearing about my work, they would get bored too... and then that friend said something like "yeah, i guess once u settle down, we might just drift apart too cos we wouldn't have much to talk about too"... well, maybe this is what we call expired friends...
anyway, another person tendered at work this evening... that makes 5 this month... not that i am affected by the culture or anything but i guess it is demoralising... u barely know this bunch of ppl and have done 2 events together, u're building up the rapport and they are going again... esp when in events, u dunno who u can rely on when u are the overall in charge... u can't be doing everything yourself and yet u cannot find anybody to help u... but in the meantime, i'm trying to keep my chin up... although everyone is telling me it's not worth it to put in effort for even the slightest thing, but i guess it is really the respect u have for your own job... u just want a good job done... no matter how small.. cos in events, it matters a lot...
island's dnd is coming up soon... quite excited about it... afterall, this is something that i had participated in most parts of it and i really think it is gonna be a good job done... =) shall update u once it's over...
Caroline, Eileen and I went for a girls' night out after our food tasting session at The Legends. I think we all needed a break and it seemed like a good time... we decided on Canele at Paragon and indulged in the various chocolate sins that they had to offer... it was definitely a decadent night... chocolate was so rich and smooth that somehow, it made me feel so happy..*drool*
sigh... what should i say? not that i dun understand your predicament.. but at least have some sense of responsibility...
friends are impt to me.. esp long time friends, so much so that i would try to do anything to catch up and keep myself updated on what is really happening to them... but sorry to say, i also do have expectations of them... quite a few times i've been let down.. couldn't help but feel disappointed... but yet i tell myself to stay positive.. maybe things really cropped up last min, maybe u really fell sick last min... maybe it's a different expectations after all...
since the last birthday celebration i had where people were fashionably late, letting me wait as if i was obliged to, forgetting my present altogether, we never had everybody for birthday celebrations together anymore.. understand that all of us are busy... but what makes all of you think i am free? i work like the way you do, i have appointments like you do, what makes me any different from you? if your excuse is that you are so busy that you cannot send an sms out to me or anybody else, then i think it's just plain lazy on your end.. blame your poor time management...
if u change your mind last min cos your grandma, mother, father, grandaunt,blah blah is having some birthday dinner or some wedding dinner, then i would ask you, how come it didn't dawn on you earlier that it might be on this date as well? do u need a planner to write it down instead? or do u need a personal assistant instead?
if you do it once, fine.. i'm cool with it... twice, thrice... too often and i'm sorry.. i have better things to do then be bothered to sms you and ask you to go out, confirm all details with you and have you change your mind later... sorry peeps, i have friends who could better appreciate me in a better way....
dun take people's effort for granted, dun take ppl's time as your own.. otherwise, you will lose a friend in the end..
Cubix is leaving the ever cute me to go US and be with the cactus/cacti for two yrs... imagine! two yrs without the ever cute me... how to survive?? where got cactus cuter than me? * huge grin =))*
Anyway, Saint and me have booked cubix for a dinner cum catching up session... so we met at raffles city.. supposed to meet at 730pm... but our dear saint had to get some stuff from a friend and was late... so the two of us waited and waited... and we waited some more... both of us were getting so hungry that cubix was planning to eat the shepherd's pie that i had made for cubix and saint... just as we were to tuck into the pie, saint announced her arrival.... *wasted* anyway, since we were going to sin at haagen dazs for fondue... we had a quick meal at BK and headed to our eventual sinning place- haagen dazs...
earlier on, i had redeemed vouchers using my UOB points.. hehehe.. no need to pay.. here's our sinful catching up:
we were too busy eating that we forgot to take the pic of the ever-delicious fondue... so the pic from the menu will have to suffice...
and we exchanged presents... well, honestly, it's just me and cubix.. cos saint didnt get us any.. but we got her a birthday present... *bah!*
see what cubix got me:
a piggy bank that goes oink oink whenever money drops in.. hehehe.. her hubby said it's just right for me cos i'm saving up for a trip to US to visit them during yr end... * ok, yahoo auctions, here i come!*
I got cubix her elle bag... finally found it at one of the malls... heheh... glad she loved the bag... =))
then in order to utilise cubix's voucher that she redeemed... we ordered this:
nice tea.. forgot what we ordered but it was nice to have some tea after some sinful chocolate and ice cream...
we parted around 11pm... and me and saint took a cab home.. we waited before the rain came, till the time the rain turned into a storm, there were still no cab... and our saint lives up to her name cos at a time where most ppl are upset about being in the rain, she started singing!AAAARRRGGGHH!!
I went out for a drink with Nitin.... he came by singapore for a business trip and we managed to meet up despite his heavy schedule...
I struggled a fair bit about meeting him... wondered about what happened to he and his "girlfriend", wondered how it would be like to meet him in person... wondered if we would have the weird distance if we met face to face... wondered what to wear, wondered what shall we do after the drink... all sorts....
Finally, i decided to go.. decided on a spagetti top with my white shrug and jeans, plus my heels... i think i look good enough and not overdressed... just nice... got my present for him... i'm ready...
aftermath of it.... it was nice catching up with him... though we've met for the first time, but we talked like old friends..never running out of things to talk about... of cos, being me, i had to clarify the issue where we left off... i dun wish to know who is right or wrong but at least i wanted to hear his side of the story... but it's weird, i know him as a person who doesn't share much stuff with others, but yet he manages to open up and tell me how he felt towards her... i think it must have taken a lot of courage on his end...
anyway, i hope we can maintain this friendship.. it's not gonna be easy.. but at least i know it's worth a try... =)
cubie is going away to US in a month's time and i've taken two days off to help her pack her house... read about her version here....
while the both of us are sweaty from carrying stuff, packing them and sealing them up, it was a nice time to spend with cubie... i hardly have the time to spend time with her since she had her second little girl... she's been mostly stuck at home while i've been working so usually, we can only sms each other and for the past one month, our sms bills have rocketed sky high!
well, back to the packing... cubie has accumulated a lot and a LOT of stuff from the last trip to US and what seems to be happening is that we are transferring the stuff from her old boxes to the new boxes to be shipped to US again.. heheh... * time to throw more stuff cubie* while cubie sat there rummaging through the unopened boxes and going "oh my god!" & "what is this?!", I've been entertaining myself with her baby girl... big round eyes and laughs often.. although yes, she cries a lot too and her attention span seems short and u gotta keep finding new things to entertain her.. this is the first time i've spent time with a baby so young... not even my cousin's kids... well, at least her girl is responsive to me.... =)
so spending time with cubie's family and her made me think about what is impt in life.. although cubie always complains that she wanna go and work and earn money, but when u see her and her kids, she seems so contented... maybe she would have been a world class japanese translator or have married to some other guy in japan and lived a different life altogether, i guess she would still wanna marry this man, have his kids and live life as it is now...
yesterday as cubie was rummaging through her stuff, she found lots of stuff from her school days, her courtship days and she was sharing with me all the things she found... it seems as if i knew a little bit more about her and her past... her memories, her past relationships and her friends...
i think i'll miss cubie when she's away in US... although we've planned to go celebrate xmas with her and her family in dec 07, she's still gonna be so far away.... and with two babies on hand, she's gonna have limited time on the net as well...
some of the fond memories that I have of cubie:
1. pei yun po(pre delivery nanny)
when cubie got pregnant, i was the one who finished up her leftover foods and went on eating sprees with her... esp for teochew porridge buffet.. all sorts of breakfast... juice, chee cheong fun, peanuts, cookies.. all sorts...
2. shih lin chicken
somehow, eating shih lin chicken with cubie makes the chicken taste better... and it's got to be the one from harbourfront..
3. shi ne
this phrase was what i learnt from jap speaking cubie... simply means die in jap.. she would always go: " kate, you wanna shi ne is it?"
4. books buying (or rather magazines buying)
this cubie of mine loves little boys.. recently she fell in love with two boys from the famous jap group ka-tun and has been franctically buying any jap magazines with their news... this will eventually be my habit cos i have to buy them and carry them to US for her...
5. pregnancy lessons
when cubie got pregnant.. i learnt a lot of stuff about pregnancy and kids... if u need any help, please kindly refer to this website: http://www.babycenter.com/ heheh...
