远离我

我希望你会靠进我
我希望你会注意我
但你只看到旁边的她
你对她的照顾是我梦寐以求的
但身旁的她已不属于你
为何不看看一直在她身旁的我？

我以为一旦见不到你
我会渐渐地望了你
起初我是办到了
但再次看到你时，
我知道我再也办不到了
我不能对你说我的感觉
但当我看着你那么关心我身旁的她时
我不知觉得为你感到心痛
因为你就是我在镜子里的倒影

所以我要让我自己远离你
让我自己不再受伤
不再为你伤心
可能只有这样
我才能很轻松的面对你
我才能和你做朋友

Reliving breakups

I fell sick 2 days before Christmas.. high fever with an inflamed throat... I managed to crawl to the doctor, almost fainted at the door step of the clinic... managed to see the doctor and got sent home with some medication. Slept the whole day and that drove away the fever and I was wishfully thinking that I would be fit for work the next day....

Cubix and I went on to enjoy a delicious Christmas lunch at one of the hotels... though my throat was painful and I could hardly even swallow, I made myself eat a fair bit of amount of food... some how in my tiny brain, the only thought that came to mind was that I had to eat to get better... when I got home, fever came back and I slept through Christmas, despite the thought of sending christmas wishes to my beloved friends... I was too sick...

I met Bev and another colleague for dinner the next day... got drenched in a bit of rain.. and i got my hands on the TVB series "Mysteries of Love" by Raymond Lam.... I spent my whole weekend watching it.... what captivated me was how heartbroken the female lead was when raymond lam broke up with her and how she coped with life after that. And eventually, when Raymond Lam decided he wanted the relationship back, the female lead showed him the scars that she did to herself in order to forget him... that struck me hard...

it brought me back to my last breakup... where no amount of crying could help to bring the relationship back, where it hurts so badly that even breathing was painful... what was different was he never knew how hurt I was and how much I missed him during that painful period, how much I yearned for him...

As I laid on my bed, struggling to get well, the pain of being alone and sick came back to me again... I dragged my broken body to work this morning, only to find out that my network is not working and my migraine had been triggered as I pushed myself to work so that I could block out all other thoughts... Resigned, I went to the doctor again and this time with 2 days of medical leave. I came home and went to bed again... and thoughts came flooding again...

Although it has been 2 years ago, sometimes the hurt comes back to haunt me... and like what my friend tells me, " it's time to let go, find somebody else new", you wonder when will that somebody new come along... even if they stand in front of me, would I be courageous enough to accept it? I took a leap of faith when I started another relationship and found myself full of wounds in an abyss.. would I be that brave to take that leap of faith again?

happy go lucky-healthy-wealthy

I heard this phrase on my way to meet uncle charlie and the rest for dinner on sat... this cab uncle was telling me the philosophy of his life... if u are happy, then u will be lucky and if u are happy and lucky, you will feel good and then you will eat well and u will be healthy and with a healthy body, you will work fine and u will be wealthy...
it was a nice short conversation with the cab uncle... he showed me his family potrait of which his kids are around my age and has his good looking genes... *a family of cuties!*

i've had a long long week... week started out bad and ended with a tinge of desperation in my broken soul... i had been penalised for things which was not executed properly... part of it is my fault, part of it was not mine... things got rather bad that I had asked the girls out for a "sex and the city" kind of gathering.. just sit round, have a nice dinner and just bitch about things and the irritating stubble man... i wished things were better... weekend was good... i had lazed around at home and had met uncle charlie and the rest for dinner.. it was nice catching up with them... the girls and i had a short catch up session again after the dinner before we left off for home... on sun, i took some 'me' time... took a bus and went down to thomson to get some roses for myself... went for a manicure after that and basically relaxed at home...

this week i guess is off to a bad start... had a closed door meeting with my boss... confronting me of my relationship with the vendor... the way it seems to me, boss didn't agree with the fact that i was very chummy with my vendor and it seems to undermine boss's status... now that i have somewhat been given a second chance at work, which to be honest, is really keeping me cos there's things to be done, but just not the project related work, i was told to prove my worth... i still dun see my own faults but i think it is just the way the hierarchy works in the company... i feel stifled... i do not like hierarchies... i still prefer the old mnc way of working i guess...

the other night, a friend asked me if i still needed time to sort my thoughts out about him... i dun deny that i still miss him.. i was at jumbo seafood the other night and flipping through the menu, i saw this dish of fried baby octopus and got reminded that he told me he had tried it and liked it... yes, heart sank for a while but soon, i was fine... the damage is done and is still there... but i know i will survive... maybe with many scars but eventually i can laugh heartily... things are just getting better...

Love prevails, if you believe

We started for a mere 1.5 months...

I know we love each other...

You know I am behind you in everything you do, every decision you make. I know you are there to hold me if I needed support...

Yet I have never written how much I love you..

I love you to bits, I learnt to love you for who you are, for what you do even if the world denies it.

It is you who matters the most to me at this point in time.

Some say, we should have started earlier so by now, you would have been here.. I say, the timing is just right because it is only now that we are truly comfy with each other...

I'm sorry that I couldn't be there for you when you fight your battles, but you know that I am standing beside you all the time...

Although I may seem to be irritating at most times with my 1001 questions, you know I meant to satisfy my own curiosity, to know you better and to assure myself...

God knows how much of defensive things I have said to friends who tell me you are not worth the effort, you are not the one... I never noticed it myself until recently... probably only I know deep down how much you mean to me, prob only I know how much effort you put in, prob only I know how effortless this relationship can be and I am the only one who imagined it to be so tedious...

But no matter what happens, nothing means much more than a simple phrase of "I love you"

May I love you?

有人问我， “为什么 对这段感情那么没信心？”

我会答，“因为他和我的距离太远”

有时候我可以把我自己给骗了

对我来说我以为距离是我最大的担忧



但他看了我的blog ，然后发了一则简讯给我，说了那一句让我很心疼的话

他说希望我把以前的一切不快乐的给忘记

希望我把他当成一个独立的个体来看待



那天， 在上班的途中， 听到了张志城 的

好像听到了他想对我说的话

顿时间我好像是觉醒了
我自己最大的问题是我很怕他和我以前的男友一样
所以我把我自己的心封闭了起来
让自己不再受到伤害
但在保护自己的时候
我却很深的伤了他



他不喜欢我拿他和他做比较

我自己很清楚但还是忍不住

因为我想让我自己确认他是不同的

但没有想到他的感受



所以发现了自己的盲点后

对他说了一声 “我很抱歉”

很体谅的他接受了

突然间，我觉得很幸福

因为我有一个那么爱我又体谅我的人在身边。

........

sometimes i'm just so tired of classes.. tired of exams, assignments and all sorts... esp when you have thousand and one thing to do and the last thing you ever want to do is to be seated in class and not out there completing the stuff u wanna do...

started on my new job and already i feel overwhelmed.. days pass by rather quickly when you're at work.. you do a lot of research, you spend time formatting word documents, spend time correcting your english grammer and worried that i fall short of expectations... although learning new things is a good experience and a total different industry... *well, not really new*, the feeling of self is not that good over there if you know what i mean... you lose your self in work and sometimes i dunno what am i doing anymore.. i just do bcos it is done this way..

class started again this week.. new lecturer, new notes, new textbooks, but basically same pool of shit still happens to be there... like cramped schedules, lots of assignments, exams, tests... but of cos, there are nice classmates, some of which have left the course but yet still kept in touch... classmates make the course more bearable.. but hopefully the rest of the stuff does not fizzle out the passion for events... i have absolutely no wish to go back to the corporate world... with makeup and all sorts.. all the pretentious socialising... i like to be myself...

coming back to class also brings back memories of something that cannot and will not happen due to some other factors... somethings are just not meant to be i guess...

To you...

I dreamt about you the other night... well, not really you.. but your friend whom i dunno... i was back at the old place where we used to hang out... the bus interchange.. the places all seem so familiar... it felt so much like yesterday that we parted... but it has already been three yrs...

in my dream, u were pretty much alone, lonely and sad... working day in day out but not feeling happy... i woke up feeling that you were so close by me... just like last time.. as if u were just sitting beside my bed and waiting for me to wake up... it just felt real...

i hope, you are fine... although we parted not so happily but we were in love before... we've all moved on from then... we were all so young which is why we did all those silly things... i hope you are happy with her, the one you chose and also with your life...

you are a perfectionist just like me.. so go easy on yourself.. weather has been bad these days so take good care of your knees.. i know they hurt badly during yr ends... deep down, i dun wish to see you again cos you remind me of the memories that i have by no chance wish to rake up... but i do wish you well cos u will forever be part of my growing process.