远离我

我希望你会靠进我
我希望你会注意我
但你只看到旁边的她
你对她的照顾是我梦寐以求的
但身旁的她已不属于你
为何不看看一直在她身旁的我？

我以为一旦见不到你
我会渐渐地望了你
起初我是办到了
但再次看到你时，
我知道我再也办不到了
我不能对你说我的感觉
但当我看着你那么关心我身旁的她时
我不知觉得为你感到心痛
因为你就是我在镜子里的倒影

所以我要让我自己远离你
让我自己不再受伤
不再为你伤心
可能只有这样
我才能很轻松的面对你
我才能和你做朋友

In retrospect...

This blog has always been at the back of my mind all these years.. I have not had the discipline to sit down and type something since I started this job 5 years ago... looking back at the older posts, it has brought back fond memories and things that I had totally forgotten...

On hindsight, a lot has happened since 2011... and I had done most of the things that I had set out to do in 2011... I had done my own solo travel.. started the journey alone, met up with friends there and ended the journey alone... been to Boracay, Shanghai, Hongkong alone.. with friends, I had gone to Cambodia, Busan, Jeju... this year, I am planning to head to Beijing as well. Havent had anything planned for the end of the year but still hoped to go see the northern lights...

Workwise, I had finally threw in my resignation letter and moving to another job.. not sure how this job will work out but let's just see how it goes.. At work, I had move from operations to doing corporate collaterals, events etc.. the last 2 years had not been a happy stint as I juggled with the heavier portfolio and the newly rolled out IT system. So I guess I am glad it is finally coming to an end.

In my last few posts in 2011, a lot had been mentioned about him... he tried to come back into my life again and once again, I welcomed him with open arms, forgetting the pain that he had inflicted on me the last 2 rounds... only to realise that he is getting married back home and maybe I was the last fling that he needed... so that was the last straw... out he goes from my life entirely and he probably has many kids now... good riddance...

A lot of things have changed and some for the better and others for the worse.. but that is life.. another new chapter is starting soon and hopefully it will be as exciting as the past few years...

Wish you were there...

Was at Malaysia for a 2 day 1 night farmstay... it was a nice experience to spend time with animals and nature.to get away from my busy work schedule.. we saw goat herding, shepherd dogs, beautiful fields, blue skies and so much more... in the night, with no entertainment and no city lights, four of us took our own chairs from the balcony and sat on the dusty road where we saw numerous stars and even a couple of fireflies...

It was really a beautiful sight.. fireflies, stars, nice breezy weather.. as I sat out there with Ray alone, I wished you were the one seated there to share that beautiful moment with me. As we started on the road trip, it reminded me of the one we had and I wished you were next to me in the driver seat...

I cant seem to shake off that feeling even as I came back.. so I only wish I could blog abt it and i would be able to share that beautiful moments... maybe i cant even tell anybody about it... because everyone thinks I have left everything behind me... even i thought so... but thru this trip, i realised there were moments where i wished only you were there with me and not anybody else....

To the peacock who lost its feathers

We did a test in the office the other day to find out what bird personality we were. Mine hovered around being a peace loving dove and a flamboyant peacock...

Everyone felt that i was more peacock than a dove due to my outgoing personality.. What they did not know is that the peacock nature was carved out of me during my event days..it wasnt the real me...the real me is like eeyore.. Quiet, passive and blue...recently at work, due to the competition from another peacock, i've turned more into a dove lookalike human being.. In fact, i hate the competition.. I wanted to be a team player and work together...why fight when u are from the same team?

Work has turned into a mundane job for me now.. The project has rolled out but there's only me managing the whole thing. I am trying my best but maybe my best is not enough for the management.. I worked day and night in silence.. On my own.. Something which i have never done in my whole career.. I resented work because of this... I feel upset to go to work, pissed at the sheer amount of work that was on me alone and nobody was offering help...

I contemplated to throw in my letter and get something else.. I'm still hanging in there for the time being.. Until i find something better i guess. I used to enjoy my work there but since the other peacock came, it seems as if i have lost my feathers... Looking more like a timid dove though... Hopefully this period will pass faster and things will get better..

Soon & I

Soon & I met 2.5 years ago.. at one of my friend's graduation ceremony. I wasn't formally introduced to him but I remember him giving a small speech during the ceremony and I found him full of energy (and he still is!)

6 months later, I was formally introduced to Soon at a bucket list event. He shared his glorious past and his humbling present. In that short few hours, he unlocked one of the biggest knot I had in my heart at that point in time. To tell somebody how much I loved him. As I listened to his own story, my heart felt for him and my heart was crying too... and eventually as we sat to gather our thoughts for the night, real tears flowed. It was just too much to bear for one night... The night ended with a midnight kite flying expedition at the Marina Barrage and a promise to meet more often for such events.

Fast forward to 2010, I met Soon again at another bucket list event. This time, I was already in my current job and working furiously away while juggling my own company. I couldnt make it till the end of the night and had to run off even before the fun truly began. Soon & I merely said a word of hi and bye that night...

In May 2011, Soon was giving a talk on life coaching and invited me along... It was a fun session, knowing more people and more interesting people... Soon, as usual was the highlight of the day.. numerous people wanted to speak to him and catch up with him... and I left for another appointment after a while. Later that night, Soon & I arranged for a coffee session the next day...

Through that relaxing coffee session, Soon could see how less happy I was compared to the 1st time he met me 2 years ago. More knots were tied around me, more things to worry about and more negativity around me. He heard my 'sob sob' story about work and gave his advice... the most that mattered was the fact that for a person who is super busy, he bothers to spend time to listen to somebody who has been an acquaintance for the past 2 years. This is something that truly touched my heart.

After that 2 hours session, a lot of questions popped in my mind. As I was on leave the next day, a lot of time was spent rethinking about priorities and the passion in my life... in fact, the more I thought about it, the more I wished I had thrown in my resignation letter...to prevent myself from doing that, I had to take MC for the next day... basically just rot and do nothing... so that's how 'powerful' Soon's conversation can be...

Things have gone back to normal... the resignation shall be left till after the July big project is over before I can think about it again... and hopefully, by then I will be ready to face the other knots in my life...

I wanna...

Go on a trip alone...

to visit friends, to seek new experiences or basically to chill out on my own...

I missed my India trip where I had gone there with an open mind, alone, only friends who stays there to bring me around.. oh yes, not forgetting the wonderful drinking session...

so away with the travel mates and all other things that come with it.. Different iternary, different agendas etc.. I wanna just go on my own, do my own stuff, be on my own pace...

I thought of where i wanted to go.. I thought of going to india again to enjoy other sights and to catch up with some friends.. Also, i thought of korea again, probably busan to see a whole different set of experiences.. I thought of even flying further to canada to visit pam and to see the northern lights. So many places i wanna go and see.. With or without a partner...

Of course, i tot of the type of risks that comes with it.. I have also heard of horror stories of solo female travellers being robbed, raped and left to die..but there are times i choose to put it away in some black hole in my mind..

Shall start planning for my first solo trip.. Get myself lost in an unfamiliar city..

New Song that I like...

Taking a short break...

I took time off work on the coming mon... for some weird reason, i do feel excited about the leave... i told cubix abt it and she said it's bcos i needed a break.. Maybe... too much has happened and I have learnt my lessons from the various things that happened.. maybe it is time to digest those lessons...

work wise, clashes between team members have started to surface... team lead is pushing more work over as she spends more time with her main portfolio and i have been officially 'sold' to another ministry for my main portfolio... which means I can no longer do the things that I like to do... the idea of being sold is not something in the plan... so for a while I was confused... plus with all the clashes of the team members... when my team lead is hardly around, it's all left up to me... how do u deal with kids in an adult manner? Best of all, the effort I had put in for one of the main processes got overturned and my team lead whom had initially agreed with the idea was one of the main voices... how ironic... colleagues at work are turning into animals which I do not seem to understand... backstabbing each other, creating more redundant work for themselves so that they look more busy but in the end, it is the consumers who suffer... what logic is this? i dunno much about work survival but i know to survive in an office, u need to do things with ur brain...

In business wise, i turned down the opportunity to be an official party supplier for one of the big names here as i figured out it was not a profit making collaboration... hard decision for me as the company is just starting out and i need to put my name out there... but I reckon this is not the way i want to go... so its back to the drawing board AGAIN...

I found out that one of my friends who had a HUGE crush on this other colleague of ours for a couple of years now...Only this morning that I realised that the other colleague is married and the bride is not my friend... oops.. i can almost imagine how she will feel...

The most embarrassing thing happened in public... a friend had jokingly pulled my pony tail in public in a bid to stop me from walking out of a store... and as a result, i nearly fell backwards as she was pulling too hard at my pony tail. While I'm worried that I would fall backwards, I was more embarrassed to be held 'captive' in such a manner. As I struggled to break free, I nearly hit somebody who was at the back of us.. and I tell you, I will never tie a pony tail again when I am meeting this friend. Will tie it into a bun. I thought there were always better ways to stop a person, than this childish method...

I started Korean lessons again and this time with NUS whom I regard as a more reputable institution. True enough, even though I would think that the pace at which they teach is much slower than most commercial schools, they are much more thorough.. and through the explanation of why certain rules are made the way they are, it makes the language a whole lot easier. Just finished my 3rd lesson and I am almost able to read all the Korean words. Of cos, the vocab and grammar is something that needs to be accumulated over time... but I'm still glad that I chose this course... partly also because of the alumni discount.. hehe...

To you: I dunno why these days you come to my mind so ever often... I frequently think about the times we were together, the times I feel so protected and safe in your arms and how I would always shared everything with you. These days when I fight a battle at work, pushing my way through with the new initiatives that I want to implement, I think of what you tell me when I was struggling during my event course days.. you will always be there for me and you will be proud of me.. even though I had lost a battle just last week, as I sat in the office very late in the night and I was the only one left, I would always tell myself what you tell me and I will get the strength to carry on... Although our relationship may never be the same again, we may drift further apart, I want you to know that during my trying times, the words you said to me meant the world to me and I wish you didnt have to fight the battles that I need to at work...

Finally, here's a clip from the recent concert that I have gone to... raymond lam.. one of hong kong's brightest stars in recent years... one of my favourite segments.. p.s this guy cant dance to save his life... this is pretty much the best he can do...