Of laptops, friends and couples

My first laptop crashed not long ago... though revived, it needs a while before it can be powered up... though that experience, I knew how dependent I was on my laptop... not for facebook and all but should I need it for just email or checking of a particular telephone no, I cant... I seriously wondered how did I survived before I got such technology. So now, I wanted to live with my loyal, badly tortured laptop till I get enough money to buy another decent one which can survive my torturous ways. In case you need to know how I torture my appliances, you are always welcome to ask my good friend, Cubix who will tell you in detail about it. * huge grin* So Cubix, who really couldnt take all the suffering that my poor laptop has gone through, decided, one fine day she was gonna get me a new laptop... on a loan basis.

So, after tons of persuasion, she literally, forced a laptop down my throat. Coupled with her ever-nice hubby, we went down to Sim Lim Square to look for my next possible victim. Once the poor victim was found, she paid and nagged at me to go get a nice looking dress for the victim... however, due to the poor workmanship, the dress was poorly done.. but oh well, it has to do till I have money for the next dress...

So yes, as I am blogging this, my new victim is starting up and loading all my needed applications and probably hearing the sad story of its predecessor... but my first victim will still be tortured by me on a regular basis as it will be good for me to do simple things on... hehehe... it doesnt really quite end there ya.. but still I am grateful to Cubix for parting with her hard earned money to let me have this luxury item * yes, it is a necessity to you*

Talking about friends, I ever wondered how it is like to progress from a friend to a couple status... cubix and her hubby were classmates before they got together... sad to say, my love stories have never really happened that way. My ex- other halves were usually people whom I didnt have a chance to know much about before we started... maybe that's why I didnt have all that awkwardness... imagine holding a friend whom you have been so comfortable with.. how weird would that be? If things do not even turn out fine, you lose that friendship too... especially for me whom I treasure friendship a whole lot, that can be quite disturbing...

I've been recently watching this korean reality show called "we got married". In this show, this couple, Jo Kwon and Ga In are singers in their real life. They lead a 2nd life as a married couple on the show. As the show progresses, they find out much more about each other and through their individual interviews, you see a bit of care and concern for each other in them. I wonder if maybe this is what I am looking for.. the type of exploration period between a couple. You know much more about each other everyday.. compared to a friend whom you know well enough, it's different... I guess for me, it's hard to make a friend whom I am close to into my other half...

.....

I went out with Cubix this afternoon.. to resume our regular tai tai lifestyle... it was definitely refreshing compared to the regular working life.. workaholic needs a break sometimes....we had a great time catching up over lunch, window shopping and just hanging out...

Out of the blue, Cubix commented that my communication with you became more frequent... and asked if you knew how I felt about you... i told her you did cos I told you not long ago... and she asked if there were changes from the time I told you till now... i said no... and she asked what is stopping me from moving forward... i forgot what my answer to her was... it ranged from something like i think you would know better to i'm not sure...

As we parted our ways at the end of the day and the day slows down and I'm only left alone in my little room... i did wonder about that question... i never once denied that i still feel the same...it was difficult for me to fall in love but when i do it's a tough road ahead of me... maybe you never knew, you were the only one who knew all my past and accepted it wholeheartedly... because of you, i came out of the past... since we parted, i kept myself busy.. working my poor body out at work, doing all i could to make myself as tired as i could so that i don't have such moments... a lot of my friends wondered why i have changed... i stopped going out for drinks ever so frequently, they can only find me at work and at home... there were occasions which i truly wanted to share them with you and i have to keep reminding myself that i gotta be on my own 2 feet now.. cant keep relying on you...

I respect the decision that you have made... I fought for it to work, I made myself clear abt how I felt.. if you didnt feel the same way, who am I to say no to it? it takes two hands to clap i guess... during these 2 yrs, i do get occasional updates from people who know you and they share with me your successes and movement... it's good enough for me to know that you are fine and good and probably happy with everything in your life... =)

I would be lying if I said I wasnt surprised when you called when you knew about my "sprained" legs.. whether it was cubix who asked you to call or was it your own initiative didnt matter, what mattered was that the 5 mins we had was something that touched my heart... especially when the pain was unbearable... i was very freaked out when I smsed you during my first night of hospitalisation.. i was lost and all i could think of was to let you know what is happening to me... and i'm glad for the few sms that followed and also the fb comments... they made the whole time a lot easier...

I believe in letting nature take its own course... of cos, i dont want to end up with regrets... so i still tried my best.. things and people change over time... maybe knowing that somebody loved you with her whole heart and for a period of time you occupied her whole heart is good enough...

Rain & Coffee

I was in Starbucks surfing the internet on Friday when it started to rain heavily... armed with my cuppa coffee, i sat outside at the balcony watching the rain fall... feeling the cold wind in my face... I have always loved rainy days with a cuppa coffee in my hand.. it gives me a warm feeling...

I remembered the first time I had such a feeling was when I was in my uni.. I was studying at starbucks.. and back in those days, starbucks were empty in the afternoon... I was the only one there then I remember stopping my mugging for a good 20 mins to enjoy the storm outside... it was just so simple back then... fast track till about 8 yrs ago, it was also a stormy day when I was at my ex bf's place... and we enjoyed the rain with a cuppa in our hands as well...

Sometime not long ago, I had the same feeling of warmth during stormy weather as well... it was during my india trip and we were heading to chockidani... it started to pour on the way there and he was not sure of the way so we were rolling down the windows to ask for directions... getting there was a fun journey... rain stopped when we were there but it started to pour when we were almost done... we took shelter in the pavillon nearby... at that moment, i felt the warmth beside me... now that i think back, i could still find myself smiling at the nice feeling i got...

I sat outside for a good long time... looking at the rain, i felt relaxed... it's as if it is washing away all my troubles and worries... i was worried about being cash strapped, my career, my family.. and prob when i slow down even more, i was worried about my relationship...

maybe i am getting very relaxed about this relationship... or i'm just getting laid back like he is... i think after the last outburst/negative email, i've gotten used to the fact that he is not the type to sms or call like most men i know would... i can go off a day or two without hearing from him at all... friends tell me it's not healthy, some tell me we've slowed down our relationship.. some even ask if we are in a relationship at all if this is the case... i dunno.. i only know with every relationship, it comes with challenges... just like human.. we all have our good and bad.. i can't just love him for his good points and discount him for the bad ones that he has.... he is prob just putting his work, family and friends above me in terms of priorities.. should i even demand that i be the first in line? no lor.. i dun think so... when i first knew him, he is already like that... ok, prob i like him much more when he just started with the company... but for him, he didn't know i was so needy... he didn't know i had baggage with me.. he also dunno i have my own set of insecurities...

you know.. since we're on the topic of insecurities... let me share with you my insecurities...
1. he dun need me anymore
2. he has one night stands (eeps!)
3. he gets into accidents there
4. he just wants a fling...
5. he ......

the list can go on for 10,000 items... because this is my own fears, no amount of assurance can help me now... it takes time for him to prove himself that he is not doing anything unfaithful to me... it takes time for me to get over it myself too... i mean, what can he do? even if he calls me everyday, the moment he puts down the phone, he can just go out and have one night stands w/o me even knowing... but having said that, i believe in him... silly, some of my friends say, why believe in somebody who keeps you waiting late into the night all the time?
i believe in him because we are connected... because we're not 2 individuals looking for love in this relationship, but we're one walking this path together...

that's why i say i will only think of such stuff during rainy days with a cuppa coffee... one rainy day will remind me of him and subsequently other things come in... oh well, there are so many other things you will know of me when more rainy days come along...

The day I met you..

I said I didn't want to meet you again... but yes, as Fate would have, I bumped into you.. or rather, you bumped into me. Prob only in my dreams that I wanna see you... prob I didn't want to open my wounds again... You asked for my new number... I didn't agree and you got it stealthily from your buddy... Called me and asked me for dinner... can I say no? Obviously yes but I chose to agree because I felt it was a good closure for you and me.... It's not something that I can close with a snap of finger... it's six long years of my life...

I'm sorry the dinner turned out that way... I never knew you didn't move on at all... I have always thought you did.. even faster than I did... now i realised I was the one who moved on earlier than you... I was the fortunate one...

I hated the way you treated me as if I was always there for you, I hated to be taken for granted, I hated the way your hands land on me, I hated the way you shrug your responsibilities, I hated you for choosing to abandon our long relationship for somebody you barely knew, I simply hated you for every single bit of hurt that you have caused me...

However, I am thankful for you hurting me that way... because it is only through all the hurt that I can appreciate the love that my family has showered me and the strength that my friends have given me during my most difficult period.. I truly hope you can find the girl of your dreams and move on with your life. I have moved on too far away from you to even consider reconciliation...

Self reflection time...

I went drinking last night, supposedly with the girls... but when i got there, nobody was there... so i drank alone... after my third round which is basically 6 drinks of JD, the girls got there and I got bad gastric pains... i had worked throughout the day and didn't manage to get lunch and I had forgotten all about that until my gastric acted up... the girls brought me to the doc.. it was so painful that i couldn't walk properly... got a earful from the doc and the girls and they promptly chucked me home while they went for their own rounds of drinks...

When I got home, I drank more cos I think I really wanted to get drunk... I was talking to Shirlyn about how pathetic work was... and i directed my anger at one innocent party... who was clearly hard at work and i refused to acknowledge the fact that he is very stressed at work... somehow i knew but chose to ignore it...

i couldn't sleep at night... i decided to call gary... at least got somebody to talk to and listen to me... instead i got scolded... bah... in the words of gary, " what has your work problems got to do with him? The poor chap is trying to strive for his career and u are like his stumbling block... want this and want that... i wouldn't be surprised if he dun want you lor..." win already lor.. * mr sharma, i can almost see you grinning away cos gary hardly scolds me bcos of another guy lor..* but what he say is true... he made me recognise the fact that i was directing my work frustrations at him... which adds to his stress... then our ever wise gary said something else along the way, " last time you were very supportive of my career and u gave me the freedom and time to pursue it.. why now you cannot do it?" let me share with you a secret... gary owes his high flying career because of me ok! when he was building his career, i had given him a lot of time to devote to his work...that's why he could reach till where he is now... but what he said about us in the past is true.. last time i wasn't so dependent on him... be it school or work stress, i could handle on my own... no need for him to be there for me... of cos, i did tell him what was happening and he did advise me when i needed it... that's how we basically survived our relationship...

after happily scolding me for 1.5 hrs, he finally let me go to bed.. i woke up with a disastrous headache... hangover time starts now... i contemplated not going to work but decided going to work would be better... i met up with shirlyn for coffee.. yes, i skived at work cos i decided i needed a break from the boxes... being a virgo too, shirlyn understood my issues... virgos are emotional bunch of ppl, they need a lot of emotional support and tend to be dependent on ppl at times... *my god, does it sound like me?!* she told me to do some self hypnosis.... if u think u can deceive yourself then u can lor....

i popped by vivo to visit joslin for a while... having known me since my last breakup, somehow she had absolute faith in me that i can overcome the dependency problem... as long as i set my own rules, i will be fine... and guess what ppl? she scolded me for bullying Mr Sharma!!! *roll eyes* i so sweet and adorable where got bully ppl one?! she say i throw temper at him.... sigh... what can i say? for someone whom they have never met in their lives, they are taking to his side... sigh.... I promise not to bully Mr Sharma... I promise to keep cool when I get problems at work and not to throw temper at Mr Sharma...

Although they made me promise it, I admit it is true... I realise my own blind spot when Joslin mentioned it a second time to me... it's probably something that I strive to change in the coming future...I know I can do it... yes I can do it...

Me & you

Right Here Waiting
Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain
If I see you next to never
How can we say forever
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I though would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' Crazy
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

We heard this over the radio together in the car... on the very last day... it meant so much to us i guess... I never knew it was gonna be so hard...nobody said so... even harder when it's late at night...

I heard this song on my ipod on my flight back and spent a good 10 mins in tears because I do not know what to do without you around me... I said I will be strong & independent but I realise it can be so tough... not when I am not sure when I can see you again or feel you again... not when I do not know how long this will last...

But I truly believe, after so many yrs of obstacles between us to get to this stage, we will be able to survive this... if i dun survive this with you, I dunno who else can do this with me, this little bugger irritant...