Reliving breakups

I fell sick 2 days before Christmas.. high fever with an inflamed throat... I managed to crawl to the doctor, almost fainted at the door step of the clinic... managed to see the doctor and got sent home with some medication. Slept the whole day and that drove away the fever and I was wishfully thinking that I would be fit for work the next day....

Cubix and I went on to enjoy a delicious Christmas lunch at one of the hotels... though my throat was painful and I could hardly even swallow, I made myself eat a fair bit of amount of food... some how in my tiny brain, the only thought that came to mind was that I had to eat to get better... when I got home, fever came back and I slept through Christmas, despite the thought of sending christmas wishes to my beloved friends... I was too sick...

I met Bev and another colleague for dinner the next day... got drenched in a bit of rain.. and i got my hands on the TVB series "Mysteries of Love" by Raymond Lam.... I spent my whole weekend watching it.... what captivated me was how heartbroken the female lead was when raymond lam broke up with her and how she coped with life after that. And eventually, when Raymond Lam decided he wanted the relationship back, the female lead showed him the scars that she did to herself in order to forget him... that struck me hard...

it brought me back to my last breakup... where no amount of crying could help to bring the relationship back, where it hurts so badly that even breathing was painful... what was different was he never knew how hurt I was and how much I missed him during that painful period, how much I yearned for him...

As I laid on my bed, struggling to get well, the pain of being alone and sick came back to me again... I dragged my broken body to work this morning, only to find out that my network is not working and my migraine had been triggered as I pushed myself to work so that I could block out all other thoughts... Resigned, I went to the doctor again and this time with 2 days of medical leave. I came home and went to bed again... and thoughts came flooding again...

Although it has been 2 years ago, sometimes the hurt comes back to haunt me... and like what my friend tells me, " it's time to let go, find somebody else new", you wonder when will that somebody new come along... even if they stand in front of me, would I be courageous enough to accept it? I took a leap of faith when I started another relationship and found myself full of wounds in an abyss.. would I be that brave to take that leap of faith again?

Growing old...

As much as I dun wish to admit it, I'm growing old... I spent almost 30 yrs on this planet, enjoying all that it has got to offer... and it's only the past 2 years which I truly enjoyed myself... what do I mean by that?

In my first 21 years, I was bothered by exams, tuition, childish things such as "I dun friend you anymore!"... then the next 6 years, I was bothered by weight, career, life partner issues... by 27, I was thrown into another dimension where I decided to pursue another career and re-start everything in my life again... the next 2 years, I spent energy on learning the tricks and traits of the industry, sometimes even wondering if I am suitable for this industry at all. Of cos, in the midst of it, I spent time wondering about marriage life, love, friendships and what am I gonna do for the rest of my life.

Ever since the starting of my own little setup, I was more settled.. a lot of people looked at my resume and said, " are u on a lookout for contract work constantly?" I used to be bothered by it but I guess I should be thankful that all these temp/contract jobs gave me the experience and contacts that I needed within a short period of time.... also because of the nature of the work, I have more time to pursue things that I really want to do such as learning photoshop, contributing back to my alma mater, spending time with my family etc... things that matter to me... as long as there is enough money to go around, i'm grateful. of cos, there are good friends who know I am cash strapped sometimes and stuff things down my throat, be it an incentive trip or cold hard cash, it is their way of caring... and while sometimes my pride gets the better of me, i'm grateful for such friends around me...

Now, I no longer want to be part of the 'in' group, i wanna just be myself, be comfortable in my own skin... without conforming to the society's views of how a 30 yr old should be. who says a 30 yr old should be married with kids now? I'm just looking for a companion.. as long as we are happy together, it's good enough for me. if we want kids, then get married when we are ready.. go with the flow of things and not with the number of years...

recently, a conversation with another friend made me realise that another friend of ours was one of the most hated person amongst the few of us... they didnt like the person and pretended to be on good terms... I found that to be quite sad... imagine a few yrs later, i will grow to be like that... oh man... imagine if that friend knew the truth... how devastating would that be for the person? I just want to treat everyone with a genuine heart... be it whether you have hurt me or loved me from the bottom of your heart... I just want to be true and real and I think so far, I have done well in this aspect...

Reaching 30 in a few mths will be another milestone for me... another new chapter of my life... more adventures to come and more great things to come... here's a toast to life, toast to me growing old!

Day when I AWOLed

For my overseas friends: AWOL - Absence without leave, a term we use for local guys who enter into army and go missing without telling their superior

So this is what I did this morning... I was supposed to have a site recce this morning... I took off... I guess I really needed time to do my own stuff instead of going for a site recce, imagining what would be an overhead bridge and some other stuff on the road when it is not even built... makes no sense to me... so i took off...

I had a lot of things which I need inspiration to do but yet have nothing at the moment.,. it's quite a frustrating thing when inspiration runs away from you the moment you need them the most... I need to do up the poster for my school alumni dinner, the email to my potential clients, promoting them my new company, do more for my website.... the list goes on... now with regular work on weekdays, either weekday nights or weekends are the only time i can get to work on other stuff... not to even mention to spend time catching up with my friends, doing stuff for f1, catching up with my korean wave and spending time with my family and two cats... i used to be able to manage all of them.. but these 1 mth, i'm starting to feel a bit overwhelmed... i suddenly just stopped doing everything altogether... no more drive, no more urgency to get things done...

it took me a whole week to get my website done up when it could have just taken me 3 days... and still, i'm not happy with it even though my partner just felt it was ok to his standards... i blame the inspiration that run away from home...

initially, i wanted to carry on rolling on my bed when i made up my mind not to go for the recce... then i told myself that maybe i should get up and get out of the house and do some stuff... i took my laptop and landed at coffee bean...now waiting for shaun to appear and spend some time with me, motivating me and pushing me to work.. haha... slavedriver shaun i call him... but the soft and slittery me who can almost slip off any chair cos i'm so unmotivated, might just not even budge at all...

Motivation...

You know how sometimes people lose their focus when things change in their lives? I guess I am going through that stage now...

Initially, I thought things will go back to normal once I am back from Seoul.. start looking at the various options I have, determine the next step in my career and see if it helps in reaching my ultimate goal and of cos, self reflection on the mistakes I have made during the last event and hopefully never ever to make the same mistakes again... that's how people learn....

I do have options in front of me now.. in fact too many which I am thankful for! of course, there are also things which distract me as well.. things such as restarting my own company, learning korean, going back to korea again and some other relationships issues...

Just over dinner the other day with Bev, I was frustrated due to the fact that my laptop had died on me and instead of offering solutions or help, friends were... let's just say, not helping... it got me frustrated as I depended a lot on my laptop... while I used it to catch up on all my korean dramas, variety shows, my laptop also helped me to look for things such as jobs, keep me in touch with the bunch of people whom I need, research on other people's events, companies etc and tonnes of other things... honestly, i was plain irritated when i met Bev the other day... oh, not including the fact that the weather was freaking hot one min and rainy the other min... so I met Bev for dinner and she brought up the idea of going to Seoul again.. I knew she wanted to go very much and so did I... so within an hour or two, we decided on the date, the flight and checked our accomodation and yes, we were going...

The next thing I had to settle was the money I needed to use over in Korea... so a frantic search for temporary jobs which lasted 1-2 weeks or even some days was what I did the whole of saturday night...

But honestly, I do have a list of things I need to accomplish before I leave for Seoul again.. but the motivation do not even seem to be there anymore... like what my gf told me last night: " You need to be focused in order to achieve all that you want." I've been quite slack these few weeks... I wanna be focused again and be motivated again.... I want to feel accomplished... Small things matter but big things matter even more...

From today onwards, I shall be disciplined and carry on moving towards my goal!

Happy New Year!!

I haven't been updating this blog for a while although there have always been tonnes of things which I wish to share here, I never really had the time.. work has taken up a lot of my time and on top of that, I've taken up a freelance job for 3 mths which pays really well... so juggling a bit of stuff now...

Workwise, things have been smooth sailing and I am happy there as I can really take my own sweet time to do things.. hehe... after all that training I had in SAFRA, this to me is actually a piece of cake.. but somehow, this bunch of people here are quite rubber timing which makes things quite hard in their own way... My boss used to be nice, but no longer nice.. I reckon she finds me to be a threat to her... I only heard recently that the person who took up the job for the same event last time was actually a permanent headcount and not on a contract basis... and plus my director has been saying how well I have managed despite all the stressful situations around me, she might feel the pressure on herself to perform... but honestly, if you ask me, I dun really care... I think if I blogged about this a mth back, I might still worry about how she would react when ppl praise me and all.. now I couldn't be bothered... if you think you need somebody who is not as capable as you to keep your place, then I think u got it all wrong... besides, I'm here to work and not to make friends... i dun really care if you dun like me.. if u make things difficult, then it would look bad on u not me i guess...

Recently at work, rumors have been flying around about me and another fellow partner cum sponsor. they sponsor our event in one way or another and because of work and the fact that we know each other at my previous workplace, we are much closer and could share a lot more personal stuff.. i guess that's normal when you know ppl much more.. well, not for my bunch of colleagues... so they started creating opportunities for us to be alone, more time spent working together etc... just to let our budding romance develop... oh gosh... even if there was a budding romance, it would have been killed by this bunch of colleagues..but for the record, no.. no sight of budding romance yet...

So enough about work and stuff... let's share about my 2010 resolutions... remember my little bucket list that I made in sept? I took a couple of them out and decided to make them happen this yr...

1.To learn Korean

I checked the class schedule at the neighbourhood community center...cheap classes start in Apr!

2. To get my driving license

This is a promise to somebody who drove me around in India cos I promised him to drive him around when he comes to SG (if he comes that is..)

3. Network with more people

This is basically to know more people, break out of my own comfort zone...

4. Attend more networking sessions

To know more people and to also let more ppl know about avant garde events...

5. Contribute back to my alma mater

I'm currently on the Queensway alumni, not exactly on the committee but I do wish to do more for my school seniors and juniors, to bring them together as a whole

6. Spend quality time with my nephew

I am trying as much as I can though, in the morning before he goes to school and if I can, I'll try not to work late so that I can spend more time with him in the evening... I no longer want to be called the faceless auntie

7. To be debt free by 2010

Clear and straightforward enough, I want to be debtfree, no more credit card bills, no more student loans, nothing

8. Kickstart Avant Garde Events

I can call Avant Garde events to be my baby of 2009 but yet I have not spent enough time developing it... with my brother deciding to move to a lower paying job, I'm not even sure if this is able to take off this yr.. shall see how it goes

9. Have enough money in my bank account

Not enough according to my standards... I need more...so gone are the luxury items and spending... only necessities need to apply.

10. Pick up Photoshop skills

Class is starting in Jan 2010! Cubix is going with me! Yay!! It's a 3 day crash course but I guess it provides me with the basics that I need to know to get me started and not very expensive to begin with so yes, it's a good investment!

We shall just see how many I manage end of this yr... hehehe...

Self reflection time...

I went drinking last night, supposedly with the girls... but when i got there, nobody was there... so i drank alone... after my third round which is basically 6 drinks of JD, the girls got there and I got bad gastric pains... i had worked throughout the day and didn't manage to get lunch and I had forgotten all about that until my gastric acted up... the girls brought me to the doc.. it was so painful that i couldn't walk properly... got a earful from the doc and the girls and they promptly chucked me home while they went for their own rounds of drinks...

When I got home, I drank more cos I think I really wanted to get drunk... I was talking to Shirlyn about how pathetic work was... and i directed my anger at one innocent party... who was clearly hard at work and i refused to acknowledge the fact that he is very stressed at work... somehow i knew but chose to ignore it...

i couldn't sleep at night... i decided to call gary... at least got somebody to talk to and listen to me... instead i got scolded... bah... in the words of gary, " what has your work problems got to do with him? The poor chap is trying to strive for his career and u are like his stumbling block... want this and want that... i wouldn't be surprised if he dun want you lor..." win already lor.. * mr sharma, i can almost see you grinning away cos gary hardly scolds me bcos of another guy lor..* but what he say is true... he made me recognise the fact that i was directing my work frustrations at him... which adds to his stress... then our ever wise gary said something else along the way, " last time you were very supportive of my career and u gave me the freedom and time to pursue it.. why now you cannot do it?" let me share with you a secret... gary owes his high flying career because of me ok! when he was building his career, i had given him a lot of time to devote to his work...that's why he could reach till where he is now... but what he said about us in the past is true.. last time i wasn't so dependent on him... be it school or work stress, i could handle on my own... no need for him to be there for me... of cos, i did tell him what was happening and he did advise me when i needed it... that's how we basically survived our relationship...

after happily scolding me for 1.5 hrs, he finally let me go to bed.. i woke up with a disastrous headache... hangover time starts now... i contemplated not going to work but decided going to work would be better... i met up with shirlyn for coffee.. yes, i skived at work cos i decided i needed a break from the boxes... being a virgo too, shirlyn understood my issues... virgos are emotional bunch of ppl, they need a lot of emotional support and tend to be dependent on ppl at times... *my god, does it sound like me?!* she told me to do some self hypnosis.... if u think u can deceive yourself then u can lor....

i popped by vivo to visit joslin for a while... having known me since my last breakup, somehow she had absolute faith in me that i can overcome the dependency problem... as long as i set my own rules, i will be fine... and guess what ppl? she scolded me for bullying Mr Sharma!!! *roll eyes* i so sweet and adorable where got bully ppl one?! she say i throw temper at him.... sigh... what can i say? for someone whom they have never met in their lives, they are taking to his side... sigh.... I promise not to bully Mr Sharma... I promise to keep cool when I get problems at work and not to throw temper at Mr Sharma...

Although they made me promise it, I admit it is true... I realise my own blind spot when Joslin mentioned it a second time to me... it's probably something that I strive to change in the coming future...I know I can do it... yes I can do it...

First step...

First steps are always tough... like my little nephew who is trying to walk his first step, have his first taste of solid food... prob as he grows older, he starts to forget how tough his "first"s have been...

I realise as humans grow older, we get more afraid to try things, get out of our comfort zone, prob as our commitments grow, our level of adaptability lowers... we worry if we lose our job, we worry if we do not bring in enough money to pay off our debts, we worry about failure and how people would view us if we fail..

I had refused to reply to a simple sms from a friend on how have i been these days a couple of days back... i realised too many things have happened... internship, river hongbao, screw up of job, end of internship, looking for job, india trip, bankruptcy... where to start? so i gave her my blog add.. she said she has but no time to log on... i told her it's been a while since we last updated, so i really dunno what to tell her... besides, i had a long long day... i dun even wish to type any sms...

this morning, i went swimming and was thinking about this matter... suddenly i questioned myself as to why did i have to start all over again... when even if i didn;t do a good job, i would still be paid? why did i choose a route which i did not even know if i will succeed in? suddenly, the fear of failure comes in... all sorts of 'what ifs' came into my mind...i kept those 'what ifs' in my mind until i got home and saw my little nephew trying to walk his first step in that stroller and tried to eat his first solid food... then i remembered how we all had our firsts... first time in school, first time we lost our tooth, first time we cheated in exams, first time we worked in the real society... without people who would take the first steps, there would not be improvement, there wouldn't be new products....

i am not that great to develop something.. but i like to prove to myself that i am able to move out of my comfort zone, start afresh as a newbie, work hard as if i have no alternatives to fall back on... and in the end, even if i fail, at least i tried... prob unreasonable-ness will help me get to the end of the tunnel...

When money rolls...

Got the news from my sister in law that my second brother is in huge debts... so much that lawyer letters are coming... and he has gotten to a stage where he has filed for bankruptcy... at first when i heard it, it's a shock..although i know he is in debt, it always appears to me that things are getting better with the new job he is holding... i started to worry how my parents would take it once they know the news... they have always doted on my second brother, felt that he was their pride and joy... now such things happen.. i dunno how it will affect them... money wise, things are not gonna change much.. once i get a proper job after my internship, things should be better....

after seeing my brother at home, taking as if nothing has ever happened, i'm starting to think to myself, if he himself does not even worry, who am i to worry? afterall, i have already asked my mom to withdraw all my fixed deposit to pass to him, hopefully, it helps in one way or another...

but knowing my brother, he will choose to keep everything to himself and then let the whole world worry for him... if not when you ask him if he is doing alright, he will tell you his favourite phrase, " why you bother?" i wonder why he and my dad are all like that... they refused to ask for help when they need to and then think they are almighty and can handle all sorts of issues by themselves...

sometimes, looking at myself, i think i am like that as well... i refuse to ask for help although i know i will get help with a snap of a finger... which is why sometimes i wish for somebody to just do nothing but listen to me... no need to offer help... no need to pity me but just listen without any judgement.... everyone would have their fair share of judgement and how i should go about doing things... but they fail to realise, all i need is just a listening ear...

with my brother, i dunno what to do... he chose to go for bankruptcy at the time where i am learning to pick myself up... all i can do is to spend more time at home.. pamper my parents much more cos i think they will be more heartbroken than any of us siblings...

Sometimes I fear...

Sometimes I think to myself, I'm fine.. it's been so many years so it should be fine....
At least till Friday I still persist to think I am fine...
Until you said that particular phrase to me out of anger, prob to you it is due to disobedience...
It brought back the memories that laid buried in my mind for so many years...
The taste of blood, the pain on the skin, the fear that I buried all seem to come out so vividly...

He used to say that particular phrase before he laid his hands on me thus I became very sensitive to that phrase and the kind of energy that is associated with it...

While most ppl in such a situation would seek help, share with friends, I kept mine in... vowed never to say cos I wanted to bury it deep down within me, take it as bad dream and eventually I would wake up from it...

I did eventually... but I was scarred for life... physically and mentally... a physically scar to make me remember for life the foolish things we would do for one and another... it's part of growing up.. some people have it most people dun... mentally I know I am not the same person as before, although I looked the same, there will be time I shun away from the same species of ppl, I hardly can get comfortable with them, sometimes I even tried telling myself, I'm gonna be alone for the rest of my life because of this...

Now that you have opened up that past, you made me doubt your integrity, your true self and the story of you throwing your ex gf out of the car... it will take me time to heal again... to self heal again

What does happiness mean to u?

"Happiness to me means seeing my meowmy come home everyday and give me a good scratch
on my head.Happiness to me means I get double treats everyday. Happiness to me means Boy boy will let me bully him everyday"- Meow Meow

"Happiness to me means I can snuggle up to meowmy every night and let her pat me to sleep. Happiness to me means I can a whole mountain of biscuits for me to eat. Happiness to me means I have Meowmy, Grandmeowmy and Meow Meow with me everyday" - Boy boy

"Happiness to me means I get to say hi to meow meow and boy boy everyday I come home. Happiness to me means I have money in my bank, despite the amount. Happiness to me means I have people around me who loves me and tells me they do. Happiness to me means being able to hear LJK everyday on my ipod" - Kate Ang

"Happiness to me means being able to appreciate sadness. Only when u got experience sadness then u can appreciate happyness more" - SL

A friend's birthday is coming soon... as part of the usual routine, we've gathered a whole bunch of ppl to come out for a dinner.. response hasn't been good cos ppl are still recovering from their xmas cum new yr holiday mood... some of them just couldn't be bothered to respond.. made this friend of my mine rather upset.. so to change the mood a bit, asked her what she wanted for birthday... her response? happiness. period.

A little background... when i first knew her, i felt she was a spoilt brat.. didn't care about others, only did things her own way, rich spoilt girl... as the days go by, impression of her got better... she opened up more and we talked more.. she became more "pleasant". Sometime, the yr before, her bf of many yrs broke up with her.. leaving her with a huge wound. For a spoilt & dependent girl, she tried to act strong but all of us knew she was faking it... we spent time with her, keeping her occupied, in the hope of helping her to heal... afterall, i've gone through the same stage... one yr down the road, she is seeking for happiness... it dawned on me that despite having a rich background, a close knit family, a great job, she was lonely. She was seeking for happiness in a form of a bf which all of us couldn't provide...

My challenge now? To plan a party or gift to wish her a great birthday and help her seek out her own form of happiness... i guess like what my lecturer said, " in all kinds of events, the hardest to plan is really just a birthday party." now I truly understand it... i had an exercise in class which i needed to plan a theme party and it's called "in pursuit of happyness". Pretty much like this challenging party... Our definitions of happiness are all quite different so we had different parts of the party representing different kinds of happiness.. fame, family, power etc.. but this is rather different though...

So now tell me, at this point in time, what does happiness mean to you?

Reflections

* typed this sometime last fri and somehow, i closed it without publishing it.. bah! so here is goes again *

It's one of those rainy nights where i can sit in my store room and in my armchair, complete with a warm drink, cushion from cubie and bear bear from shushu... boy boy is seated on the carpet next to me and grooming himself...

it's been almost two months since i left symantec... till now, there has been no regrets.. at first, i had a job at cisco... but i left too... wandered for about a week before i found a job with the local ministry.. temp position though...

it's been long since i left the govt sector... i remember leaving it and telling myself that i cannot survive long in the govt sector cos i dun like the way the aunties are laid back, ppl take their own sweet time to solve issues and even identify issues... i simply dun fit in.... corporate world and govt are entirely different ball games...

this ministry i'm working with is rather backward.. still using floppy disks and huge crt monitors, forms are manual.. a lot of things are manual... typical ppl who are just working to while their time away and they have been there since god knows when... i'm doing a lot of data management stuff for them, managing the project stats for them, getting the numbers they want to see... of cos, i liaise with the various institutions for approvals of all sorts of stuff.. it's a variety of jobs compared to what we do in the corporate world where we are specialised to one portion of the work...

hours are long here but i guess i learn a lot of things... how to manage ppl of different calibre, different backgrounds, see things from different perspective... i dun really mind other than the fact that i do get tired by the end of the day and i dun even feel like going out at all... as of last record, it's been like 2 weeks since i even met anybody properly... plus i have school.. it makes it all the more difficult...

you know, because of the fact that i can hardly meet ppl, shushu, shan and raymond came all the way from suntec to meet me in toa payoh for lunch... i was so touched to see them and the moment i saw them i wanted to hug them really close cos though it has only been a short while since i last saw them, but seeing them put in the effort to meet up for lunch really made me realise how much i missed them....

in symantec, the most important thing i learnt was teamwork... shushu and shan taught me how to work with your teammates, back to back and with firearms pointing out to ppl who are trying to shoot us down... we look out for each other and we support each other whenever we feel lost and disillusioned.. although i was the weakest link, they were still willing to teach me stuff and handhold me when i really need help... shan was also somebody whom i was really glad to have met in symantec... she was the one who brought me around on my first day, linked me up with the various colleagues in the company and also shared my joys when i got converted as well as my woes when i realised i didn't fit in there anymore... she was truly a good tac team for me...

talking about school, course started for almost a month now and things are going on fine... although a lot of assignments and exams are almost on every two weeks, new things learnt kept me going... of course i do question if i will ever make it till the end, whether this is the right path for me...well, this is what i say to myself... " unreasonableness is my strongest trait, so trudge on. "

"Follow your heart"

Sorry that i haven't been blogging for such a long time...
i havent been in a good mental mode to blog...
i've been having mental block...
too many things have been happening and i really just wish to be alone..
so which is why, i started to go out on my own...
spend time with myself...

i just came back with a friend for coffee...
we spoke about the expensive dinners i had due to work entertainment
of cos, he's impressed...
"wow, sounds like u are doing well" he said..
but i know the truth, ever since i got converted, i wasn't happy...

i'm recognised for organising events
put down for my non-deliverance of my work
non existence in my boss's eyes
i felt my tiny bit of self esteem gone...
gone with the wind...

"stay with the job lah, why u keep hopping?" he asks
because i feel there is no value add anymore in my case
because i feel no more passion about the job i am doing
because i do not feel that i am a part anymore...

"follow your heart, go with what you want" another friend tells me
she heard me cry over the phone over this issue
how unhappy i am in the job
how office politics were stifling me
how talking to others fell to deaf ears

although money is important for survival
but money cannot buy happiness
so cliche i know..
but it's true
simple pleasures give you happiness
not a huge fat bank account when you can't have the time to spend it

"follow me" my heart tells me
"do something that truly makes you happy,
we will get by eventually"

I will follow you... =)