About dying...

these days, i've been pondering a whole lot... *yah, nothing better to do*

these days i've been wondering.. should i die someday, what would my friends be saying of me? somebody who is a fabulous listener, somebody who is petty and scheming? or they would never even know that i am gone?

a lot of times, i'm afraid to be left behind... especially among my group of friends... cos maybe i'm the most neglected one i feel... whenever i am out with friends, i hardly show a sad face cos i know it would affect their mood.. have had friends who should their sad face and then in the end, affect the whole group's mood... dun like that feeling so no matter how tired or how troubled i am, i choose not to show it out... of course, there are exceptions such as sudden outburst of anger or tiredness...

anyway, back to the topic... what would my friends know me as? at my funeral, would anybody cry for me or would anybody even come for my funeral? as i was thinking about this, a bad news hit me... u guys remember this uncle of mine who is in the hopsital and his kids were not there to visit him? he's just gotten worse... docs are not optimistic about it... hurried down to the hospital to visit him the very next day...

what i saw in the ward would prob remain with me for my whole life... imagine somebody who is just about 60.. bed ridden... on a drip, on an oxygen mask, veins are full of needle holes due to the blood transfusion and numerous tests done on him.... hand is tied to the side of the bed to prevent him from moving and in the end moving the needles for the drip... and guess what, he has a tube attached to him which goes to a bag for him to pass urine... and this was the man i saw just months ago, seated right in front of me when i visited him during chinese new yr and somebody who was still very jovial and was able to walk about like a little kid...

he was not able to talk..despite the efforts he make, he could only have loud sounds coming out.. no proper words.. only sounds... but if you were to look at his face, look right into his eyes, he seems to tell you that he wants to die... let him go... he dun wish to be so humiliated and he dun wish to be a burden to his family... yes, he loves them still despite the fact that they do not visit him or bother him too much... that's my uncle or rather, that's how the men in my father's side family are... they would not want to be a burden.. they wanted to go in glory... not to be supported by machines or when they cannot even do simple things....

but when he dies or finally goes in peace, what would his children remember him as? what would his siblings know him as? somebody who never worked long in his life, somebody who would give up his job for a boss who was retrenched? or even an irresponsible husband?

For me, he's always the closest uncle i've had... somebody who has dearly loved his kids, his family,somebody who treasured loyalty in his life... loyalty was his best characteristics.. he would never forsake somebody that he trusts a whole lot... he has worked hard for his whole life, though he's not stayed long for a job but imagine, with him working in construction sites, the salary he got, he managed to put his two daughters through tertiary education..

If there was one thing I could ever do for him, I would say a prayer for him to go in peace. Pray for my uncle, my friends... pray that the Lord has mercy on him... it hurts to see him suffer... pray that his sufferings will end soon...