About myself....

It's pretty cold in the office and my nose is running and i'm sneezing.... india side is rather quiet today... just two more partners to go and i'm done for the week... now i can afford the time to type an entry to my blog.... been thinking a whole lot these days cos brother these days not in and i get the room to myself and i have the time to read and ponder....

a lot of things, be it big or small have happened this few weeks but i'm not sure how to put them across... some sensitive, some basically just myself.... my kind of character... it's been stuck there in my brain and i've been unable to get peace.... so i shall just write this entry for myself without mentioning names.. just XXX to represent a name...

i told XXX that XXX knows that i am not happy with my job and when i asked who said that, it happens to be XXX... well, what could i say? i hated to be part of their conversation and let's just face it, i hate that ppl were to be behind my back and say,' oh, she wrote it on her blog....' esp when the person does not have the add to my blog.. which pretty much shows that that person is not close to me.... honestly, now when i know that XXX is telling XXX about me and stuff, i have closed up myself and dun say stuff in front of the whole group anymore.... of course, it seems a little bit funny but that's just me.. and ppl whom i dun really fancy....

XXX told me to be much more sensitive to XXX cos of the fact that XXX is younger than most of us... let's just say i believe everybody is entitled to growing up on their own and if u were to hold them by the hand and shield them from whatever that is harmful, they will never grow up to make decisions for themselves... they will never learn from their mistakes... i always believed in letting go and let them fall and learn lessons for themselves... of course, XXX has its reasons for asking me to be more sensitive to XXX cos it feels that since it knows him so well, it would know how it feels.... oh well... i just think it's not a valid reason...

honestly, i think now a lot of stuff i keep to myself cos i do not know when it will go from one person to another and along the way, it will get distorted.. even concern for friends can become overbearing... tired, really tired.... tired to clear up such things, tired to explain... now to me, i can choose to ignore these friends but i chose to just keep my mouth shut... maybe they think by telling me, oh, go think about what i said and when i keep quiet would mean that i am in the wrong and they are in the right, let them be... if i chose to keep quiet and not say anymore about it, then it pretty much means that i have totally given up... dun care whether you love this woman or guy or anything... dun care whether you have changed impression of ppl altogether cos they offer some information or another... dun care whether u feel hurt by the concerned remark that i have made about money... i'm really just sick and tired of constantly having to put up with all the funny and childish behaviour of you ppl... u cannot make decisions, u cannot think for yourself, you need ppl to organise things or even think of new ideas on where to go, u can't even allow me to vent my anger once in a while.. constantly i have to put up a smile and take it as if i am not angry, be patient and all.. i'm human afterall, if u guys are entitled to all those feelings of anger and selfishness, i dun see why i am not entitled....

i can be selfish at times... but most of the times, i put others before me... a lot of times, i hide my sad self at home, in that small little room to share with my furbabies and bring out the cheerful self to face my friends and family.... but this in itself will sometimes, bring problems cos everybody thinks you are forever happy and a happy gal.. but deep down, i guess i'm not really that happy cos of my own problems...