let's just say a lot of things, the more you try to talk about it, the worse it gets.... the more you try to tell ppl that you care, the worse it makes them feel... i dun wish to talk about it anymore.. do whatever you wish to.. do whatever you deem fit... i dun really care... it doesn't mean anything to me even if you explain it a thousand times and make me feel guilty about blaming you and make it sound as if it's my fault.. i dun really care... u want me to act indifferent to you.. i can...
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had a rather tiring day today... not because office is busy... of course it seems like the calm before the storm... cos on mon, some probs with a merger will emerge and it's something that we cannot anticipate... God forbid it to get me down.. i'm preparing to fight this battle.. this last few milestones i have with the team...
had some problems with one of the partners today.. and my counterparts were getting furious over it at their end but over at my side, i was ignorant about it... this is a kind of feeling which i truly hate... to be kept in the dark... esp when i know i should know cos when the management rains down on me, i need to be answerable... and i'm not blaming my counterparts cos due to a language barrier and also geographical barrier... it's gonna be tough... how can u control your partners when you are thousand miles away? they can do thousand and one things behind your back and you wouldn't know a single thing... which is why my counterparts are my best friends... my eyes and ears over there.. while the hands and mouth are over here to send out harsh emails and do negotiation with the boss... things need to be reported and questions need to be answered...
sometimes i wonder if i am just a mere emailing machine who sits behind the laptop and just sends out emails to partners... sometimes i wish to be much more harsh on them... i wish to be much more direct with them but i know if i do so, they would probably give us much more trouble than now... but sometimes i really wish for things to work faster and smoother... i still remember when i came onboard, i saw the way things work... it's not a bad model but somehow we might need the partners know a little bit more of discipline... send in files on time, let us know if there are problems... and do everything themselves... dun need us to spoonfeed them... i wanted to make things better... but the longer i stay on this job, the more i wish for things to remain the way it is cos i didn't feel i am up to the resistance that i would face from partners... so now onto my last two months.. things have yet to change... in fact.. sometimes i feel the problem gets bigger and bigger each week as more and more partners take advantage of us....
oh well, life goes on even without change... i have always initiated change in every single workplace.. making things better.. i designed forms for automatic deduction of money for my previous job and now it makes things a whole lot easier for the department.. and it's giving them cost savings every yr.. i gave feedback for systems.. did UATs.. gave honest but harsh feedback... made things easier for the next person.... but why is it this job that i am hesistant?
i didn't feel like going home this evening.. finished my report at about 630pm... but yet i'm still in the office at 730pm... feel like i'm stuck in the chair... feel as if time has stopped in its tracks and i'm just here in the office listening to my songs and on the pc... there's peace around me... no fire fighting, no issues to resolve, no follow ups... a simple peaceful feeling.... so peaceful it almost didn't feel real... the last time i ever had this feeling was when i was working really late in my old office.. being the last one to leave, i just stayed in the office to enjoy this sense of peace.. as i walked to the door and switched off the lights one by one, seeing the office getting darker and darker, the feeling is indescribable... i feel like i'm having that feeling now... peaceful.....
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