Rain & Coffee

I was in Starbucks surfing the internet on Friday when it started to rain heavily... armed with my cuppa coffee, i sat outside at the balcony watching the rain fall... feeling the cold wind in my face... I have always loved rainy days with a cuppa coffee in my hand.. it gives me a warm feeling...

I remembered the first time I had such a feeling was when I was in my uni.. I was studying at starbucks.. and back in those days, starbucks were empty in the afternoon... I was the only one there then I remember stopping my mugging for a good 20 mins to enjoy the storm outside... it was just so simple back then... fast track till about 8 yrs ago, it was also a stormy day when I was at my ex bf's place... and we enjoyed the rain with a cuppa in our hands as well...

Sometime not long ago, I had the same feeling of warmth during stormy weather as well... it was during my india trip and we were heading to chockidani... it started to pour on the way there and he was not sure of the way so we were rolling down the windows to ask for directions... getting there was a fun journey... rain stopped when we were there but it started to pour when we were almost done... we took shelter in the pavillon nearby... at that moment, i felt the warmth beside me... now that i think back, i could still find myself smiling at the nice feeling i got...

I sat outside for a good long time... looking at the rain, i felt relaxed... it's as if it is washing away all my troubles and worries... i was worried about being cash strapped, my career, my family.. and prob when i slow down even more, i was worried about my relationship...

maybe i am getting very relaxed about this relationship... or i'm just getting laid back like he is... i think after the last outburst/negative email, i've gotten used to the fact that he is not the type to sms or call like most men i know would... i can go off a day or two without hearing from him at all... friends tell me it's not healthy, some tell me we've slowed down our relationship.. some even ask if we are in a relationship at all if this is the case... i dunno.. i only know with every relationship, it comes with challenges... just like human.. we all have our good and bad.. i can't just love him for his good points and discount him for the bad ones that he has.... he is prob just putting his work, family and friends above me in terms of priorities.. should i even demand that i be the first in line? no lor.. i dun think so... when i first knew him, he is already like that... ok, prob i like him much more when he just started with the company... but for him, he didn't know i was so needy... he didn't know i had baggage with me.. he also dunno i have my own set of insecurities...

you know.. since we're on the topic of insecurities... let me share with you my insecurities...
1. he dun need me anymore
2. he has one night stands (eeps!)
3. he gets into accidents there
4. he just wants a fling...
5. he ......

the list can go on for 10,000 items... because this is my own fears, no amount of assurance can help me now... it takes time for him to prove himself that he is not doing anything unfaithful to me... it takes time for me to get over it myself too... i mean, what can he do? even if he calls me everyday, the moment he puts down the phone, he can just go out and have one night stands w/o me even knowing... but having said that, i believe in him... silly, some of my friends say, why believe in somebody who keeps you waiting late into the night all the time?
i believe in him because we are connected... because we're not 2 individuals looking for love in this relationship, but we're one walking this path together...

that's why i say i will only think of such stuff during rainy days with a cuppa coffee... one rainy day will remind me of him and subsequently other things come in... oh well, there are so many other things you will know of me when more rainy days come along...