some reflections...

i spent half the week in my own room, alone, thinking... wondering what do I really want in life, spent thinking about the people around me...

caught up with a friend the other day.. chatted over a couple of cigarettes... she opened up to me and told me that her marriage is on the rocks... despite the effort she puts in to salavage the marriage, it does not seem to help... somehow it all seems to link back to why do ppl get married in the first instance... why do some of them last till death but why some seem to only last for a short period of time? in my religion, divorce is frowned upon so many of them struggle with a broken marriage and only through His Grace that they find comfort... not sure if my friend's marriage was a mistake or not but definitely to maintain a relationship is already not easy not to even mention a marriage... somehow all these broken marriages seem to break down the ideals i have about a marriage.. looking at the marriage my own parents have, it's scary... it takes a lot of courage and patience to live with another person or to even say yes to getting marriage...

gary called the other night and was talking to him about how things were over there for him... he seems to have settled down and things seem to be working out for him... did mention to him about the various people in my life.. especially XXX... he asked if I felt anything towards him... i pondered and I said I'm not sure.. of course I feel really comfortable with him but he lacks the security that I need badly... he asked if I was willing to take this gamble... I dun think so.... I've been hurt enough to want to take the first step or even the gamble... but honestly, I do have somebody in mind and things seem to be going on well between the two of us... not sure if at the end of the day, we'll end up together... as usual, he doesn't know but i'll see how things go...

made a shepherd pie for the ladies at work... we had a great time chatting and catching up with each other as one of them have shifted to do another portfolio... they enjoyed the pie and had seconds... I'm glad that they did.. it's been a while since i cooked and I'm not confident about my own skills anymore... during that short session with them, i felt so good to be with them... so good that I nearly broke down in tears when i realised that that might be the last time i would sit there with them during a tea time to share a pie. Might be the last time I see some of my old colleagues there... especially XXX... I'll miss XXX a whole lot.... but only if XXX knew....