I've always not been good with my words and have always tried to avoid all the saddest occasions so whenever I leave a working place, I'll always leave quietly, without farewell lunches and all... but deep down I have always got a lot of things to say to each individual but never manages to... so I've started this journal page.. to write all kinds of things which I wanna say...
4th of Jan
It's the first day back at work after 10 long days of shutdown... it's busy in the office and it's good to be back... one more month and i'll be leaving this place...
today I've also met my replacement... manson see... first impression was not strong but hopefully he can work... I have my own reservations about him... but that's just personal... showing him around to the various colleagues also meant to let them know that I'm leaving... of course, some of them were pretty shocked that it came without a warning... I guess it must have been accumulated and things do happen for a reason.. maybe i'll get a better job out there.. * fingers crossed *
looking back at the 11 months with HP, I have formed many many wonderful relationships with many of the colleagues here... I'll miss them terribly.. miss seeing them each day and of course miss sharing happiness and sadness with each and every one of them...
10th of Jan
Today I've started teaching Manson about Novient... it's not getting into him.. I'm worried... I'm supposed to clear my remaining leave as requested by Boss... although I am not happy with the decision as my main motive of staying back is to help with the month's data, they view it as a financial cost... to them, I'm a financial cost.. it's saddening as after working for Boss for almost 11 months, once things changed, so does people's attitudes and relationship... No matter what happens, I respect her as a boss and I will do things according to her wish... of course, the number of leave that I'm left with is almost equivalent to the amount I spend every month... could last me for another month but what the heck....
I started to go through my emails... clearing all the stuff that I no longer need... my emails get busted most of the time... saw the various mails that I sent out regarding the shepherd pie I made for them last Xmas... and saw the one which said that one colleague commented that women with good culinary skills are hard to come by these days... * blush blush* believe it or not, this is the first time a man has said that my culinary skills are good... not even my ex boyfriend has commented on that... of course, it takes a good man to say such things.. * grin*
12th of Jan
Today Manson got sent to the hospital... no matter how my colleagues tried to tell me that it is not my fault, it didn't help.. guilt overwhelmed me... especially when I failed to notice the signs of his anxiety... of course, maybe he did have a previous medical condition that he did not declare... i understand why he would do so but still, it didn't make me feel any better...
Stayed back late to finish his portion of work and managed to bump into one of the colleagues online... asked him if he could offer some prayers for Manson...hoping that nothing major will happen to him....
13th of Jan
Couldn't sleep the whole of last night... worried about Manson... heard that he has resigned... saw him this morning and instead of blaming me, he is apologetic towards me, saying that he cannot continue learning things from me...life is simply too short for such pin pointing.... i'm just glad that he's alright...
Now that Manson has left, I wish I didn't have to clear my leave... work is not gonna be done on time and I worry as it is quarter end... friends have told me to just clear my leave and left them settle the problems themselves... despite the unhappiness with my boss, I would still wanna help her till the end.. at least letting go of grudges makes life easier...
17th of Jan
Came in this morning and asked boss about the leave arrangement.. apparently, i still need to go on leave... and I am supposed to clear my leave only at certain periods of time... I really lost it.. accepting to clear leave was my compromise and now I have to clear only on certain periods... is this really how a relationship would turn out towards the end? She said I wasn't really doing a lot so it's better for me to go... it's just me... reckless, implusive me... I chose to clear my leave smacked in between the weeks... I refused to take it lying down and I refused to be stepped all over...
Today I cleared some of my stuff and left for class... of course some work were not finished... anger got the better of me and I just couldn't be bothered to get it done... let them know what I'm going through and let them survive through it themselves...
18th of Jan- 26th of Jan
Finally, I'm clearing leave and all.. the last few days at work... throughout these days, I've been doing much more bible study and more quiet time... one good thing which my colleagues at HP imparted to me was the faith in the Lord... I didn't used to be a regular church goer... although I am still not one, I'm at least much more stronger in faith and believe it or not, this time round, I'm much more at ease with myself and job searching...
After prayers last night, I felt a weird feeling in me... a sense of regret of not knowing a few of my colleagues much better... not spending time to listen to their problems and not knowing them much more... maybe we are all busy but that' s no excuse... hopefully, we can keep in contact after I leave HP... after my own quiet time, I broke down in tears... of so many things that I'll miss in HP, it's my dear colleagues that I'll miss the most... the lunches we had together, the time we spent talking and sharing problems... and of course, the pure existence of them in my life made a whole big difference....
One of the nights, I had a dream.. vivid dream... a dream about HP... leaving HP and filled with regrets for missing a relationship... a relationship that was meant to be but never got started... is it a sign for me? I wouldn't know... I realised that the photo on my desk gave ppl the wrong impression... it gave them the impression that I am dating somebody... most of them thought so... but honestly, i'm not... i'm still searching for the one... :o)
27th of Jan
Today, the few colleagues gave me a farewell lunch... although it's nothing fanciful, it's a small gathering of people whom I care about and close to in HP...Throughout the lunch, I kept quiet, observing each one of them... so distinct their characters and from each of them, I learnt so much....
28th of Jan
Today, I had another farewell lunch... given by Audrey, Ben, Jolie and Siti... as usual, I kept quiet... observing... it's just not me to go out lunch for a particular reason like a farewell lunch... it's upsetting for me... didn't managed to talk much to Ben and Jolie.. although I wished much too... I never had the time to know both Jolie and Ben well enough... in fact with Ben, I wished I had known him much more.. he's indeed a nice guy... somebody worth keeping.. somebody worth the effort to meet up... but we never had the time... :o( hopefully things will be much better when I leave...
Had a nice long chat with Irene in the office tonight... she's going on leave so I thought I had better find sometime to catch up with her before I disappear... She's a wonderful lady whom I really wish to keep in touch with... although most ppl have the perception that she's a really fierce lady but seriously, when you get to know her, she's a wonderful lady... passionate about the things she does and firm when she wants things done...wonder when will I meet her again...
31st of Jan
Today is really the last day in HP... I have mixed feelings... on one hand, I'm happy that finally I'm leaving... another hand, I'm sad that I'll not be seeing this bunch of colleagues the next waking day... Marilyn had something on so she took half a day off.. everything seemed normal on a monday... but for me, it's the last time I would step in here and sit at this desk and talk to Luping like we did today...
Had a great time lunching with most of the secretaries... there's not many people around in the office today.. which is probably the best for me...this office gave me lots of memories... lots of laughter and relationships were formed... wonderful relationships...
To all my colleagues in HP:
Thank you for all the wonderful times during the one year in HP. It has been a fruitful time and through all of you, I have learnt a whole lot about myself as well as become a better person.. Please do keep in contact. I suppose all of you would have my contact details... otherwise, get it from the secretaries.. :o) Thank you.
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