Just when i think things have reached a pit bottom and it would be bouncing back soon with XX lending me some money and the money from gary has come in, things should be better.. apparently not...
got a phone call from the hospital yesterday.. gary's dad has got a stroke... minor one... auntie told me not to worry but he will be in hospital for a couple of days before going home to rest... told me not to tell gary cos it's nothing major.. dun want him to fly back from US and interrupt his work... that's what normal moms would say... but in the end, i still ended up calling gary to tell him... of course he got kan cheong and wanted to take leave to come back but he's tied up in a huge project and it's tough for him to come back cos he's the PM over there... told me the earliest he can come back is in june when the project is slowing down... promised him to go visit his parents every weekend... auntie says she will be able to take care of uncle.. but i told her i'll be there with them every weekend and basically to keep them accompanied... i have been very tied up with a lot of things so i've only been calling them and not visiting them on a regular basis... guilty guilty... hopefully things should be ok.. not too much of a problem.. but i guess he just needs a lot of rest and be careful with the things that he eats... especially cos he's got a heart bypass before... a lot of stuff the doc told me over the phone i couldn't absorb... but oh well, i'll just do whatever is needed...
so with me going over to gary's place every weekend, i can't make it for soka... cos i need to at least get them dinner before i can leave them... and i need to be somewhere in the west or central so that anything happens, i dun take too long a time to go back... told mayling about it... not sure if she understands... cos afterall, it's a special situation that most ppl do not understand... how can u be taking care of a first boyfriend's parents and not be his gf?? oh well, it happens... especially when gary is in US.. mayling asked if i could not quit and find an alternative... maybe i'm overwhelmed at the moment... i dun wish to explain my actions and all... afterall, she just got attached and is swimming in loving bliss with her bf... dun wish to bother her....
mentally drained... last night, my phone died... batt flat out... and i left the charger in the office... i dun have the wish to go entertain any friends, talk to anybody.. just want to sit in a little corner, waiting for gary to be back.. to tell him what has happened and to tell him how pressured i feel now that one after another of my friends are getting attached... of course, i chose to be single... i chose to go in and out of relationship and not settle for one... i chose to flirt around like a butterfly... after that long one i had, i'm afraid of being hurt and i'm afraid of commitment.. i'm not sure if i can ever find one that i love truly anymore... my energy just seem exhausted... so if i ever need loving, i chose to just go into a relationship and move out when things get much more serious...been like this for the past two yrs... and only gary knows how i truly feel... i miss him... he's the only one who can listen and not be prejudiced against the things that i do or say... the rest of my friends would always be surprised at the things that i'm doing and they would feel that i'm doing the wrong thing... be it leading ppl on or calling somebody sweetie or darling.. to them, it always seems to be not right... but i so much wish to tell them if i feel it's ok.. the other party feels it's ok.. then let it be.... there's no right or wrong....
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