I've had a long long weekend... A few ex colleagues from HP was in town for work... 3 from India, 1 from Philippines... Elen from Philippines knew I was bothered and asked me to bunk in with her so that I could get away from all the hustle and bustle at home...
I've had a nice time catching up with them... we had a long drinking session on Fri night... it is one of those things which I felt I couldn't do here. People here would choose where to go, who to go with and all for just a simple drink... yet these friends will just pick a place that is nearby, drink and chat about everything under the sun and just be merry... no pressure, no stress... that night we chatted until 3am.. with a few drinks in my bloodstream, it felt good.. since the incident happened, I wanted to drink... but the lack of the right companions and the worry of being drunk on the streets made me stop myself... yes, that night had felt good... like the good old days i had in HP...
Of cos, during that session, we spoke of somebody. A lot... I had to pretend as if nothing has ever happened. It hurts badly no doubt.. but no, they do not need to know... they should not know. After they left on Sat, I filled myself with activities... meeting with SYMC colleagues, meeting with YB... I made myself exhausted... as I carried my almost empty shell along from one appointment to another, I told myself, I needed to smile.. be happy, so that these ppl will not worry for me... I can survive it.. I just need to be patient... but yet, this is my biggest weakness...
I spent my Sunday mostly in bed... I struggled out of bed for dinner and made myself sit in my own room to watch some dvds.... watching the sex and the city season 1.. there was this one episode that caught my attention... when Mr Big introduced Carrie to his mom as his friend... sounds familiar? I wish I had more wisdom to handle this kind of issue... I wish I had more understanding for him... now I am just filled with regrets... I must learn to be patient, i tell myself... I haven't been fair to him, somebody tells me... I didn't ask the most fundamental question.. I trusted ppl whom I shouldn't have... I killed it myself.. thus I am facing the consequences myself.. alone... I shut down my laptop and slipped myself back into my little comfort zone again...
I got busy at work... or maybe I made myself busy...I missed those guys whom I met over the weekend... I didn't want to think about it, I didn't want to talk about it... yet the inevitable happened... colleagues over lunch asked..." so your leave confirm for july already?" I froze... I got reminded of the intended trip... *bang!* my emotions started to go out of control.... I said no and all of them huddled around me to ask what happened... I have no wish to talk, no wish to share...
By the time I had finished all the stuff that's pending, my mind started to relax... and emotions start to go crazy again... I spoke to Piglet briefly... apparently, no matter how much I tried to hide my emotions, the guys saw through me... they just never asked... I dun wish for anybody to come telling me that it's not worth it, he's just a jerk.. because to me, he isn't... because to me, he is somebody who needs time to sort things out... because, I've been mean too, I've been immature as well... ppl tell me to move on, stop staring at the closed door... I simply refuse to listen... I made the mistake once of listening to the wrong ppl.. i didn't listen to my heart... deep down, I trusted him... but yet my actions did otherwise... now I can only say sorry and wished he could hear me... ppl tell me he's gone, we've got fate to meet but no destiny to be together, I hear all that, I understand... so stop telling me all that... it's time I learn to listen to my heart...
Colleagues told me of how women should find a man who loves them more than they love him... they claim this is selfish but it helps to protect themselves... I chose all the time, men whom I love more... because I dun want to be the selfish one... I didn't mind giving more bcos giving gives me more happiness... just like giving of xmas presents... as long as u see the recipient's face light up, you will feel happy... thus I still stick to finding the man whom I love more... so no flower guy, no ex bf... my heart is still yearning for the one over at the other side of the world.. even if I am just looking at his back... even if in his eyes, I'm no longer there... this is the silly me... have always been this way... I've just been afraid of how ppl see me... in this relationship, I couldn't find strength in myself because I didn't want ppl to know I am the giver..
From now on, no more hiding behind my own wall of defence... no more pretences... I shall just be me... even if it means missing more ppl who comes with flowers, I shall follow my heart... because deep down, I still believe you are a good man, i still believe you are there... we just need more time... when it is time for you to open up to me, you will find that I am still here.
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